Blogging save my life. It sounds dramatic right, but it’s true. I always dabbled in writing but a cruel twist of fate meant that my treasured writings and journals that I had hand written from the age of nine were destroyed around the same time as I ‘lost’ my husband and became a single mum. Those memoirs immortalised all the amazing and awful things that have ever happened to me. I thought they would help me come to terms with some of my harder life experiences. I believed they would help me be a better parent. I hoped they would one day form the basis of published writings. Now they are gone. No longer available to pass on to my children. No longer a guaranteed memory when I lose my own in later years.
For me, this loss of my writing, paired with the other losses in my life, meant that for a long while I didn’t know who I was. When you have no hope for the future it can feel like all you have is your past. When that past is taken from you too, it feels like you have nothing at all. When I think of all those lost memories (which happens often), a feeling of intense sickness overcomes me. It’s hard to explain, but the thought that those writings are gone leaves me with a sense of bewilderment of where I fit in this world. I’ve lost the grounding of my first thirty odd years on this planet and to call that unsettling would be more than an understatement, it’s a genuine, life-long grief that I live with. Still, nearly two years on, it sometimes knocks the wind out of me completely and I don’t know how I can live without those writings; essentially how I can live without me.
Following this loss, writing became something that I could hardly bare to do. I flipped between feeling like I had nothing to write about, to having too much to write about and not knowing where to start. Most days I didn’t have the emotional energy to pick up a pen. Other times I would become so distraught by the loss of my writings that I couldn’t bear to think about anything that reminded me of them.
Slowly, but surely though, last year I began to write again. I felt passionate about sharing my stories to help increase understanding and love for all the fab mamas out there who are struggling, especially the single mamas. I had noticed that people don’t like to share blogs on single motherhood. I don’t know if those who aren’t single mums just think it irrelevant, or they don’t want to tempt fate. But most people know a single parent (or two) so why not spread the love?
Around the same time I came across the blog, Like Real Life. I could relate to a lot of the posts so I approached Abi who writes the blog, to publish 11 Realities of Single Motherhood as a guest post. Although Abi had no idea who I was, instead of just posting it she encouraged me to set up my own blog. I mean really encouraged me. Before then I had feared I would have too little to write about to keep a blog going (hard to believe given how much I’ve written since then). That night, after the encouragement from Abi, I practically gave myself a migraine staying up writing out blog ideas after my little one was fast asleep. Now, as I write and the words flow out of me almost faster than I can type, my fingers flying around the keyboard – click click click – a smile starts to flicker in the corner of my mouth and I know I’ve found my home.
1. I have the space to reflect on my experiences. As a single mum who has experienced a stressful and (at times) chaotic home-life I had no one to share this with. I rarely speak with anyone in the evenings and once distance grows between you and friends it’s hard to claw that back even when your life becomes (a little) calmer. This blog gives me a reason to think about my experiences and reflect on them. Sometimes I’ll write the start of three separate posts and then I will see how it’s all connected. It’s helping me to learn from these experiences and (start to) move on.
2. I have a place to vent. We all need a place to vent and I didn’t have much space to do this in my ‘real’ life, but here, in the realms of the black and white digital words, I’m able to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly. In the last couple of years just getting through the day has often been a massive achievement. I’m finding time to express my feelings, just the fact I’m now referring to the chaos and stress in the past tense proves there has been a big shift for me mentally and I’m sure blogging has helped me to reach this point.
3. I’m growing a support network. As parents we all feel that our kids don’t listen to us. Sadly I’ve often felt that friends and family haven’t been very good listeners either (of course another way of putting this is that I haven’t been very good at voicing it and I know that’s a factor too). This blog provides a forum where I can tell people what I’m thinking, and I’m really chuffed to say someone seems to be listening! The downside of this is when I write a post, bearing all, and only three people read it, it can be is disheartening. I used to wonder why, after all I didn’t set this blog up to gain a huge number of followers, but it’s because I’ve been unheard for so long. When I put myself out there and I’m ignored it feels like rubbing salt into an open wound. That’s why, although there’s not many, when the comments come I love them. I especially love that it’s a mix of single and non-single parents responding, it’s great to feel connected to people even if we’ve never met. Often, despite our own individual stories, as fellow humans we share similar emotions even though the causes of these feelings differ.
4. I can be me. It’s so hard for people to find the time and space to speak to you in today’s world. I mean really speak to you, so I often find myself not talking about many of my experiences. But here, on my blog, I speak from my heart with a raw honesty that I find so very freeing. I’m talking about topics that are often overlooked, like what it’s really like as a First Time Mum or the Realities of a Single Motherhood as well as more sensitive topics like breastfeeding and abuse. I’m writing blogs about some of the harder experiences I’ve faced like miscarriage (I’m yet to publish this). I’m also writing (what I hope) are humorous blogs (like 5 top tips for single parents) because that’s my personality – to laugh and joke about the strains of life. I have some posts I’ve written that I’m still nervous of publishing. Maybe I never will, but I’ve written them and that helps.
5. I’m turning negatives into positives. I have found the process of my divorce and becoming a single mum incredibly challenging and isolating. Through talking about some of the issues, and joking about the everyday realities of (single) motherhood, I’ve been able to make the best out of what has often been an absolutely horrendous journey for me. I hope I’ve also helped other single mums to laugh at our realities, and helped non-single parents to better understand their single parent friends and, most importantly, identify how much we all have in common – for me this makes it worth putting my heart on the line.
Thanks so much to all of you who are following me on this journey, sometimes I worry that I will run out of things to say, but if you knew the ‘old’ me then you’d know I was (am?) a bit of a loud mouth. I’m hoping this blog is the start of me learning how to be the person I once was, but in a new way, and I’m looking forward to sharing more of this exploration with you.
If you haven’t already checked out some of my other blog posts please do (there’s a list of them to the right hand side of your page), and do keep the comments coming, I genuinely love them.
You can follow my blog on facebook. Just go to my page here and give me a like to stay up to date with my latest blogs. And follow me on twitter @EllamentalMama
Support
If you’re thinking of writing a blog, my advice is just go for it. Don’t worry about things like negative comments or if you will run out of things to write (two of my biggest fears). In my experience these things don’t happen. If they do then you can always stop blogging, but if you don’t give it a go you’ll never know. Feel free to email me if you want some advice on how to go about it, not that I’m an expert but I’m more than happy to help.
21st April 2016 at 12:50 pm
This is a really reassuring blog post to read for someone like me, who has been having doubts about what I keep my blog running for, and I’ve listened too much for the people who simply mock blogging for being a public diary. I don’t believe it is that; it is so much more than that! I find writing cathartic and, like you mentioned, it helps me to process experiences in life. You’ve certainly got the gift for writing, so keep it up 🙂 #KCACOLS
21st April 2016 at 3:07 pm
Arh, thanks for the kind words. I’m so glad it’s helped you see blogging is much more than a public diary. Even ‘just’ a public diary can be really helpful for others to read and relate too. I’m glad you find it good too. Lots of people are saying how cathartic it is, its so good to hear x
21st April 2016 at 11:14 am
Hi Ella, I’m so pleased that you got into blogging, it sounds like you have a found a brilliant tool to help you get through the difficult times. I so sorry for your losses, that must have been really hard to deal with, and I’m glad that blogging is helping you get through it. The blogging community is fantastic isn’t it, we all have had different experiences, and sharing and reading other blog posts can give you so much knowledge and also make you feel that you are not alone (I know that I personally have found this). I agree with you to never be afraid to start blogging, and to see where it takes you. Thanks so much for linking up at #KCACOLS. Hope to see you again next Sunday. Claire x
21st April 2016 at 3:03 pm
Thanks Claire for the lovely comment. Sounds like blogging has helped you too which is really nice to hear. Seems lots of people are saying that. Its true, reading other blogs is really great too X
20th April 2016 at 5:10 pm
I really love this and completely resonate with it. There are so many reasons why blogging has helped me cope better and just be a better person and I really love it. I love the community and friendships I’m making as well as having, like you said, a place I can be me! #kcacols
20th April 2016 at 5:48 pm
Thanks for the lovely comment Kat. Bkogging is great isn’t it! Glad to hear you’re finding it so good too 🙂
18th April 2016 at 8:09 pm
Blogging saved me too having something, someone to talk to was the only thing that got me through sometimes #KCACOLS
18th April 2016 at 8:17 pm
Glad to hear it’s helped you too. Seems like lots of people have found it really useful 🙂
18th April 2016 at 7:32 pm
So glad blogging has helped you. I love to use blogging as a sort of online journal as my journey as a first time mum. xx
#KCACOLS
18th April 2016 at 8:16 pm
Thanks. That sounds lovely 🙂
18th April 2016 at 4:27 pm
I so relate. I am on a journey of recovery from a horrible bout of severe depression and writing and connecting on my new blog has helped me tremendously! Sometimes, it just gives me a sense of purpose, and that is enough. Thank you for sharing your journey! I am so sorry you lost your writing but grateful you have now found this platform. I found you via #KCACOLS
18th April 2016 at 5:08 pm
Sorry you’ve been having a tough time too. Really glad blogging is also helping you, its very therapeutic! I hope your road to recovery is as smooth as possible x
18th April 2016 at 10:25 am
I defiantly tell find a lot if postives – particularly a place to vent and solidarity X #kcacols
17th April 2016 at 9:33 pm
Really interesting post. It sounds as though you’ve been through a really awful time. You can tell that your writing comes from the heart, and I’m glad that blogging has helped you so much. Nice to see you linking up to some linkys (linkies?) recently as well. I love blogging, even though i constantly joke about how it’s taking over my life! #KCACOLS
17th April 2016 at 9:36 pm
Thanks, yes it’s been a tough ride of late, but blogging is helping. It’s very easy for it to take over isn’t it!! Just starting to get the hang of this whole linky malarkey – quite liking it 🙂
17th April 2016 at 6:08 pm
Blogging saved me as well. After spending 20+ years building my life in one place I had to move due to my husband’s job. I was lost and felt so lonely. No friends and my husband works ALL THE TIME so that I can be able to stay home and raise our kids. A sacrifice we both agreed to. But I realized I needed something that was “mine” a hobby of sorts. So one day I just sat down and started a blog and now over a year later I’m still loving it but am finding now that my time is always spread so thin. Great post. #coolmumclub
17th April 2016 at 10:46 pm
Thanks. That sounds really hard. I’m glad blogging helps you too. It can be so cathartic!
17th April 2016 at 10:13 am
Wow, it sounds like you have some stories to tell. I’m glad you have found your drive, I hope you get a load more happinness from growing your blog.
Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub
17th April 2016 at 11:38 am
Thanks x
13th April 2016 at 6:58 pm
Hi Ella,
I am really glad you have found blogging. You write for many of the same reasons that I do (I suspect that we have discussed this before!). The support network is actually really important to me too. In real life I don’t know anyone in my situation and who has been through what I am going through. Online there are loads of people and they are all really supportive. Pen x
13th April 2016 at 9:31 pm
Yes I think we have lots in common. I’m glad blogging has helped you get a supoort network, I’m still in the early stages but I can see it’s there. Btw, there are lots of gingerbread groups of single parents…I’ve met a few people in similar situations through that and it’s really helped! X
12th April 2016 at 10:25 pm
I’ve often thought about the pros and cons of starting a blog.
Will anyone read it? Will I have anything to write about? What should be my main theme?
I really enjoy reading yours and the life view you show, as well as your writing style.
12th April 2016 at 10:29 pm
Thanks, I’m glad you like the blog 🙂 For what it’s worth I’d say if you’re thinking about doing it just go for it. I thought like that about not having things to write about but actually I have loads… I have twenty more already nearly ready in my online drafts and many more on my laptop! Once you start it seems to just keep coming! I still worry that one day the ideas will dry up but I figure enjoy it until I get to that point. If you’re thinking about it you probably already have some ideas and the theme etc can develop as you go. You don’t need to start out with a finished product.