Annoying Things Single Mums Hear

I’ve been a single mum for over four years now and I’ve just about heard it all. So, on behalf of all single mums out there, here is a little PSA on what we hate to hear.

1. I’m like a single mum, my husband travels/ studies at the weekend/ is a lazy bum (delete as appropriate and insert other uncomparable statement). I’m sure it’s hard when your husband travels/ studies/ is lazy, but it’s not the same as being a single mum day in, day out. I’m not saying you can’t complain about your situation, complain away, you have as much right to as the next mum (single or not). Just please don’t describe it as something it’s not. I don’t compare single parenting to being an army wife – sure it may (on the surface) have some similarities but I have no real insight into life as an army wife and, even without knowing the details, I can imagine there are some major differences. Many of the challenges I face as a single mum are not about the practical issue of having no second pair of hands to help (though if you have a pair going spare I’d love them), it’s about not having a partner to share this parenting journey with – the good and the bad bits. This isn’t something which you can ‘experience’ in a weekend, week or even a month.
2. It’s better than being in an abusive relationship. Absolutely-bloody-lutely. Most things in life are better than being actively abused. This is often stated by other single mums and I get it, I really do. Lots of us have experienced abuse and this reminds ourselves why we entered this challenging, yet undeniably better, situation that we are now in. It’s still not a useful/ positive/ happy statement to hear though. Are my only options singledom or abuse? Aren’t I allowed to dream of my happy ever after?
3. I can’t come out for your birthday/ leaving do/ major life event party because my partner is away. Really? Because my partner doesn’t exist so does that mean that I should never come out again? I get childcare is a challenge, I really do and I know that’s true for couples and singletons alike, it just stings a little, especially when I know I prioritise getting childcare to attend friends special events and rarely never to give myself a (much needed) break. Single mums have to prioritise friendships every step of the way – even a phone call can be challenging – when that isn’t reciprocated it can hurt.
4. How do you cope. Err I don’t, let’s move on.
5. Oh you’re so lucky you only have one. Let’s just think about that for a minute. When you have no partner it puts a spanner in the works of having another (though doesn’t make it impossible by any stretch). When you see a single mum of one, there is a very real likelihood that she didn’t actively choose to have ‘only one‘. Single mums have often had to pause the baby making for the foreseeable, and we’ve no idea when, or even if, we will get the machine back on track.
6. At least you have your child. Well yes. And no. Of course, like all mums, single mums love their kids and I often think I wouldn’t be here without my son to make it all worth it. But on another level, there is the very real chance that if I had never had a child when I split from my douchebag ex it would have been quick, clean and simple (well as much as any relationship breakup can be). Whilst tears would have been shed, it would not have ushered in a life of single motherhood and it would have likely left the space (emotional and physical) to get over my ex and move on – ultimately making it easier to meet another person to build a new life with. Single parenting can often feel like the choice between having a child and having a partner. Of course once you’ve got the kid you would chose the kid every time right, but if you didn’t have the kid….well, perhaps choosing the partner and then hoping for the kid (pregnancy, adoption, whatever way works for you) could have been another approach.
7. I’ll babysit. OK, so I love this one really, it’s just that I’d say only about 10% of the people who have offered have actually gone through with it (that equates to like one friend, though she has done it a number of times – I love her).
8. I’d love to babysit on XX date (yes this babysitting malarky warrants two points all to itself). Skip forward a few days/ weeks (depending on how organised you were)… Did I say I would babysit? No can do I’m afraid… I’ve got stuck at home with the plumber/ I have another party that evening/ I’m off on holiday/ I really just never meant it (delete as appropriate).
9. Call me. Honestly I just won’t. I don’t have the mental energy to wipe my own arse half of the time, I really won’t manage to call you. I’m sorry. I love you. Feel free to pop round anytime.
10. It must be great that you get every (other) weekend off. No, just no. A) many of us (like me) don’t get any such time off and B) from speaking to others who do get this it’s about the only thing that keeps them sane, yet still it’s also one of the hardest things they do. Although it’s a break whilst it lasts, once the kid is back you’re in charge 100% with no back up and have all the challenges that go with that.
11.  Why don’t you just X, Y, Z. It doesn’t’ really matter what X, Y, Z is – it could be the very best of modern parenting advice. When you’ve had a crappy day with your child and your partner comes home, does it really help if s/he tells you how you could have done it better? I imagine not. You probably just wanted to off load. If you’re lucky you’ll get a hug, if not perhaps only a grunt. Single mums get neither. I know there are other parenting methods to try and when someone says you could ‘just’ do X,Y,Z it does indeed sound simple put like that, all on it’s own, but it ignores all the other ‘just’ things I need to do. It ignores all the other ‘just’ things I have already tried. As a single mum I need help with the emotional side of parenting – off-loading and sharing experiences. I don’t need parenting advice (unless I ask for it), I’m actually quite a good mum. I’m also a single mum which means I get to do what the fuck I like, when the fuck I like so we are probably the worst ones for taking on board advice. Don’t take it personally, please just don’t pass it on. Instead give me an arm rub or a shoulder squeeze and empathise with how bloody hard this motherhood deal is.
12. S/he looks just like his dad. Now, this may be true, especially in the early days as babies are made to look like their dads so they don’t eat them or something. But, here’s the thing. We don’t have to speak every truth we see. Like the fact that a new mums tum may be larger or her boobs less buoyant. If we are rearing this child alone chances are that hearing how much s/he looks like their dad is annoying – if not a bit of a kick in the teeth. We are doing all the hard work after all, so give us a bit of credit on the cute looks too.
13. But you get (free) childcare/ the child’s father gives you a break/ you have family who help out. It’s a cliche but it’s true…. it takes a village to raise a child and whilst single mums are doing it solo we do have to rely on whatever part of the village we can to survive. None of the scenarios above remove the pressure of solo parenting, they may help to relieve it a little but it’s not the same thing. There are, thankfully, very few people who raise their children alone with no support whatsoever – some of us get help from an ex, friends, relatives or the state. This can mean the difference between losing your shit every other day instead of every day but the challenges of solo parenting remain. The SAHSM* with childcare needs that break to stay sane. The helpful relative of the working mum enables her to remain on the right side of breaking point. And as for those who think it’s not single parenting if there is a co-parent on the scene, they’ve missed the point entirely.
14. The bond is incredible. Yes, it is incredible, amazing and beautiful, but we all have bonds with our kids right? Is my bond so strong that my son will still be living with me when I’m old and grey? Probably not. In fact, give it a few years and I’ll already be having to deal with having him around a lot less. I’m sure the peace and quiet will be lovely, but the thought of being a lonely old spinster is not so great. I’d love to have an amazing bond with an adult too.
15. You’re so brave – basically about anything we do solo. The thing is I have to be brave just to wake the fuck up in the mornings. I know it’s meant as a compliment but somehow it just makes me feel like the odd one out. Or sometimes, even worse, it feels like somehow it must be easier for me otherwise I wouldn’t do it. Sometimes I’d really love not to have to be brave and have someone else to rely on to do it instead or even better yet – together.

Can single mums out there relate? What other annoying things do you hear as a single mum? 

*Stay at home single mum

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If you liked this, then you might also like this post on the Realities of Single Motherhood.