I woke up this morning with my heart in my mouth. I’m probably over thinking it (as usual) but today I’ll be seeing the counsellor. Today they will be saying yay or neigh to my decision to change my live irreversibly in one of the most excruciating, demanding and wonderful ways possible. Today I go for fertility treatment implications counselling at the clinic where I hope to have a child by sperm donor.
I had that feeling I get before I stand up to speak in front of an audience; slightly on edge, but also excited. This is the start of something so amazing, something I have wanted for such a long time that I’m not sure what I would do if they refused me. I’m sure I’m worrying for nothing. I mean I assume they never really say no to anyone. More likely they recommend further counselling before they deem you ready. But I’m ready now, I don’t want to delay this process – the longer it goes on for, the more stressful it becomes.
As I entered the lift at the clinic I saw a man who reminded me of my ex. He didn’t look anything like him facially, but he had a glazed, faraway look in his eyes, the kind that comes in the after effects of a deep Psychosis. As the lift doors closed I felt myself well up. The last few weeks have been emotionally draining. I’ve been listening to sperm donor interviews. These strangers telling me about their biggest regrets and achievements. I was suddenly struck with a huge feeling of failure. I wasn’t able to help my husband get better. He had drug addiction and serious mental health problems and I couldn’t ‘make’ him better, he’d go as far as to say I was the one who made him ill. Occasionally it hits me that it’s the biggest failure I’ve ever had. It’s an emotional journey trying to conceive alone, I really hoped I wasn’t about to fail at this too.
I arrived early at the clinic and sat in the waiting area. I was much more nervous than I had been for my other appointments. I’d been imagining the kinds of conversations over the last week or so. What they might ask. What they might want to hear. I’d tried not to overthink it. Most people I’ve spoken with in depth about becoming a single mum again, even if initially they are a little alarmed at the idea, quickly smile and say – you’ve thought it all through. On a practical level, I’m not actually sure I have. It’s not like I have a plan of how I will deal in those early days of no sleep with a little one running riot. But in stark contrast to becoming a solo mum three years ago I trust myself to find a way through, even if it’s crawling and clawing my way in the dark of the night. And that trust starts now. I’m trusting that if I talk freely to the counsellor about my hopes, dreams and fears, she will see the strength and determination my desire for another child gives me.
Finally they called my name. The woman ushered me in and I couldn’t help but feel like I was in a job interview. Every so often I became overly focused on my hands which seemed to be flailing around all over the place. As the words flowed out of me nervously and excitedly I could see her smiling. I dared to believe that I was going to get the job after all.
This may not be the script I imagined my life would be written on, but I love it despite all its quirks and imperfections. I have a child, a wonderful, amazing child. The idea that I could have another. That the three of us could make a family. A family where we are safe and loved, a family filled with friendship and laughter (and shouting and fights). That is what sets my eyes alight and my womb on fire. Becoming a single mum by divorce was bloody hard. Becoming one again by choice is bloody liberating. Solo parenting may not have been my first choice, but it’s one hell of a wonderful choice to be able to make. The counsellor could see how I felt. There was no question in her mind – I was approved for this journey. I left the building with an almighty skip in my step. I am doing this thing.
If you are interested in this story of contemplating becoming a single mum by choice then you can follow my blog on facebook. Just go to my page here and give me a like to stay up to date with my latest blogs. And follow me on twitter @EllamentalMama I’ll be writing more about this in the coming months
This is part of my single mum by choice series. You can read all about it here:
24th August 2017 at 4:41 pm
Please don’t be think implications counselling is about judgment. It is a chance to talk about losses: of the ‘natural’ way to conceive, of a partner, and any other loss in your fertility experience. To begin to put those losses and regrets behind you and move to the next, hopefully successful stage. And also to think about the child you want to conceive and how you will tell them (and others) about their conception. It’s about their story as well. I hope it works for you!
31st August 2017 at 6:37 pm
Thanks. I know you’re absolutely right but I think I worry that others will judge my decision and inevitably worried that the same might happen in the counselling session. It wasn’t anything to have been worried about in reality though! Thank you for your kind words.