It was my son’s 27 month health check with you – the health visitor. I arrived late, huffing and puffing because I’d had to run home having realised, half-way there, that I’d forgotten the all important ‘red book’. I dashed upstairs to the clinic when I arrived, panicking that you’d tell me I’d missed my slot. I didn’t need to worry though, things were running late. I had a few minutes to catch my breath while I waited for you to finish with the other family.
Finally, you called me over, we sat opposite each other in a big room. I didn’t know what to expect. The forms I had received emphasised that it’s not a test, but it kind of felt like one. You went through the questionnaire I’d been sent, and I could see you subtly watching my son out of the corner of your eye on the play mat in the middle of the room. He was doing his usual squealing and laughing with delight, as he jumped around the room playing with all the new toys. Looks cute I thought to myself, that should get me one tick right? Then he decided to ‘borrow’ another child’s hat and run out of the room. “Oh crap, she’s going to know think I can’t control him now”, I thought.
You asked questions about my son. How is his eating? How does he interact with others? What is his behaviour like? What can he say? All the while also observing him and listening to what he was saying. I answered honestly. You could see a lot of it for yourself anyway.
As you filled the form you were smiling. You said he was doing great. Then you said the best thing I have heard in a long, long time. You said, “he’s doing great, so you must be doing great too mum”. I felt myself instantly well up.
The questions went on. You asked about his sleep. I explained that we had been struggling with that recently. I described how my son doesn’t nap and that he had been taking three hours or more to fall asleep but that things were (slowly) improving. I ‘admitted’ that my son sleeps with me in my bed, I thought your face scrunched up a bit at this point. You asked, “doesn’t he have his own bed?” I told you that he does, but he’d rather sleep with me. I explained to you that my son sometimes struggles with sleep and needs reassurance in the night.
Then you said the best piece of advice I’ve ever heard, “I know we are the professionals and sometimes we will tell you to do this and that, but you are his mum and you will know him best. If he needs to sleep with you then that’s fine. You know what he needs.“
I wanted to cry there and then. You had no idea that I was a single mum at this point. You had no idea that I never hear those sacred and longed for words – that I’m doing a good job. You didn’t know that people are always trying to come up with ways for me to get my son to sleep in his own bed, because of course I can’t want him in my bed. You had no idea how much advice I’ve received for his sleep. Advice that, whilst well intended, in no way addresses the reason for my son’s sleep problems. But despite this, you chose not to give me any advice, even though you are an expert. In that short time I met you, you trusted me.
You trusted me, because I’m a mum. You trusted me, because you could see my son was happy and healthy and you knew that was all that mattered. At a time when I was losing trust in myself – that meant the world to me.
When I mentioned I was a single mum you didn’t change your attitude, you didn’t look surprised or disapprovingly. You just said, “you’re doing a great job mum and it’s hard, especially as a single parent”. You said that you too are a parent. Perhaps you are, or were, a single parent once yourself. Perhaps not. Whatever your own story you seemed to understand intuitively what it’s like to be a single mum and that’s a pretty unique trait.
On my walk home I cried. I cried because you had shown me kindness and it let me lower my guard. I cried because you had shown me that you knew being a mum was hard work and if our children are learning and growing, whatever the pace of that, then we are doing a good job. I cried because in those few minutes you showed me more compassion and understanding than many people have shown over the last 27 months of my son’s life.
Thank you. Thank you for your trust. Thank you for the appreciation. You will never know how much that meant to me.
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25th January 2017 at 12:36 am
I’m so sorry I took so long to reply to you. Your message somehow ended up in my comments bin. Sorry 🙁
I’m really glad you found the blog too. I so relate to the burying things to hide them from your kid and I’m glad the blog helps even if just a little.
It has really helped me too to know others have experienced similar.
I hope things are started to ease up emotionally for you. X
11th June 2016 at 11:28 pm
Hey,
I just found one of your articles on fb and I’ve been binge-reading for an hour now…
So, your articles have me crying and my own 27 month old is looking at me weird lol.
I find that one of the hardest things as a single mom is to have the energy to even speak or write about the shit I feel; reading your blog feels like someone is putting into words the hurt I often feel but bury so that my child has a happy and smiling mother.
I always loathe meeting a health professional because if they stray off of him and start asking me how I feel- I don’t know how I’ll react… the lack of sleep, companionship, energy, empathy, adult conversation, has me crying as soon as I open the emotional barrier.
I just wanted to say thank you, I know it’s not easy, but it does help knowing other people are surviving this too. I take it a day at a time and hope that one day soon I’ll be as strong as I appear to be.
Looking forward to binge reading some more soon 🙂
4th May 2016 at 4:47 pm
It’s to read a nice post about health visitors for a change – I do think they get a hard time! #KCACOLS
4th May 2016 at 4:58 pm
I agree. I’ve generally had OK experiences and this was really positive so wanted to share it! Thanks for commenting 🙂
4th May 2016 at 3:09 pm
Awwww hugs to you mummy! I know that exact feeling when sometimes you just need to hear that you’re doing what’s best for you and your child and that its great. I couldn’t even begin to imagine being a single mom so kudos to you for doing all that and doing a great job at it! Keep up the great work and start doubting yourself less. From one mommy to another mummy #coolmumclub.
4th May 2016 at 4:59 pm
Arh thanks so much for your lovely words xx
3rd May 2016 at 12:05 pm
I didn’t expect this when I had clicked onto your link! This was beautifully uplifting and it’s great to know that you had this wonderful health visitor who did a great job and reaching her hand out to you. Health care professionals really do need to learn good bedside manner and be consistent at it! Lovely post. #KCACOLS
3rd May 2016 at 1:00 pm
Thanks 🙂
3rd May 2016 at 11:32 am
You do have such a mixed bag with health visitors. We had our little overseas so it’s a totally alien concept but it does seem to me they have the ability to lift you up or bring you down in one fell swoop. Thanks so much for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x
3rd May 2016 at 11:38 am
Yes, they are only human after all but I think we often see them when we are so vulnerable that it’s very easy for the advice to seem confusing x
3rd May 2016 at 10:01 am
Now I just sobbed. I love that you had a good experience and everything she says is right. I brought up my little boy solo till recently and it is hard. Keep doing what you are doing, loving him, swimming swimming as Dory would say xx #KCACOLS
3rd May 2016 at 10:09 am
Arh thanks for your kind words Jade, its really nice to hear. x
3rd May 2016 at 6:49 am
Oh god my first thought reading this was that my son doesn’t even have his own bed, as he always sleeps with me. I hope I get a nice health visitor like this one who doesn’t judge! #KCACOLS
3rd May 2016 at 8:33 am
Fingers crossed you do too. But fear not, sleeping with your son isn’t a bad thing so we shouldn’t feel worried to let people know, including health visitors!
2nd May 2016 at 9:58 pm
This is so lovely. I am glad you found someone to give you the encouragement and support you needed at that moment. It’s great when you find someone who is truly kind and gets it. You are doing the very best job you can and your lo wouldn’t want it any other way. Thanks for linking with #KCACOLS. I hope you can come back next week.
2nd May 2016 at 10:05 pm
Thanks for the lovely comment Danielle x
2nd May 2016 at 6:07 pm
How lovely to read this! We hear so many stories of health visitors who are judgemental or rude, and make new parents feel terrible about themselves. It’s lovely to read that you had such a positive experience. #KCACOLS
2nd May 2016 at 7:13 pm
Thanks for reading. Yeah, I thought it would be nice to share a positive story 🙂
2nd May 2016 at 2:20 am
I am so glad you had a good experience! I too have dealt with both good and bad nurses/doctors ect. #KCACOLS
2nd May 2016 at 10:14 am
Thanks Allyson x
1st May 2016 at 11:38 pm
This is such a lovely post! My health visitors have been awesome too, but it does always feel a bit like a test. (And I always forget that blasted red book…) x #KCACOLS
2nd May 2016 at 10:12 am
Yay, glad you’ve had great experiences Jess x
1st May 2016 at 9:14 pm
I was ready to go on a rampage when I saw the title but this is a beautiful and rare experience and I’m glad that you had it rather than one that made you cry for different reasons!
#KCACOLS
1st May 2016 at 9:22 pm
Hehe, yeah it was a bit of a trick title – us mums often see health visitors when we are at our most vulnerable so I’m sure lots of us leave in tears for other reasons! Thankfully, this time it was all good 🙂
1st May 2016 at 8:18 pm
Lovely post and its so nice to read a positive story. I felt the same as you after the 2 year check. Like it was a text, one we can fail. I left feeling better as like most mums, i used to compare The Kid to others. Now no2 check is coming up and she doesn’t talk, is a monkey with other kids and likes biting. Am i concerned? Kind of. But then like you said. I’m mum and i know best! #KCACOLS
1st May 2016 at 9:19 pm
Thanks Laura, mums definitely know best Laura! As for little monkey’s I can relate to that, hair pulling seems to be all the rage with my little one, but I’m sure they will all grow out of it in their own time. Hope you also get an understanding HV at your daughters 27month review. x
1st May 2016 at 7:11 pm
Oh bless you. What a lovely post. I had a similar experience with my health visitor early doors when I was struggling massively with breastfeeding and was very blue about it. She told me that the main thing was that I did what was right for me and that if I was happy, baby would be happy. It felt incredibly freeing. You are clearly doing an awesome job and she saw that x #KCACOLS
1st May 2016 at 6:22 pm
Wow, what a lovely post. I’ve not had the best experience with the Health Visitors in our area and I’m dreading the 27 month check as I know that there will be lots of ‘tick boxes’ that my son won’t meet. This is really reassuring – understanding Health Visitors do exist after all! I fully agree that as a parent you know your child best – you’re with them every day. #KCACOLS
1st May 2016 at 9:17 pm
Hi Katy, thanks for reading. Sorry to hear you’ve been having a bad experience with the health visitors in your area. It’s such a key role for supporting mums (and dads) so it’s a real shame when it doesn’t work out. I’m sure like much of the NHS now they are struggling with targets and underfunding so it was nice to see someone who seemed relaxed about the whole thing and very understanding. I hope you’re 27 month check goes better than you expect, there really is no right or wrong answers to any of the questions, let’s hope your HV remembers that! x
1st May 2016 at 1:26 pm
This was such a lovely read, I agree with above, I read it and thought the health visitor was going to have been awful to you! I’ve had some dreadful health visitors over the years, who have made me cry out of pure upset and frustration, so this is lovely to read that there are good health visitors out there. #KCACOLS
1st May 2016 at 1:44 pm
Arh sorry you’ve had such a bad time with health visitors. An understanding one can make ALL the difference. Thanks for reading x
1st May 2016 at 12:26 pm
That was nice to read, as when I had read the title I was expecting her to be horrible to you. She is so right though, there are many many professionals out there. But you are the Mum and you know him best, so well done on doing a great job.
Amanda. #kcacols
1st May 2016 at 12:44 pm
Thanks Amanda. Yeah, I think a lot of us hear negative stories about health visitors so given my experience I wanted to share a nice story about them 🙂
30th April 2016 at 7:39 am
So lovely that she wasn’t one of those judgey health visitors and it makes all the difference especially when you’re at your wits end. What she said was true you’re the mummy and you know your baby best, so keep doing what’s riggt for youband baby. I’ll have this visit in a couple of months hopefully my experience will be as good as yours as my friends have all seemed to complain about theirs! x #coolmumclub
30th April 2016 at 8:54 am
Yeah she was def not judgey! Hope your check up goes well x