I’m pretty sure talking about toddler routines in the negative is sacrilege amongst the parenting population. So I’m readying myself for the backlash at this brazen statement, but I mean it when I say not having a routine for my son has been good for him and for me. Contrary to popular opinion, babies and toddlers* can and do, survive without a routine. More than that, it can actually help them thrive. And that’s exactly what my son is doing. I’m not saying that living with no routine is better than living with one and it clearly doesn’t suit all parents or children. However, contrary to popular opinion, those of us who choose to parent without routines are making informed decisions and are not failing our children.
First things first though, what do I even mean by no routine. Fear not social workers out there, I don’t mean that I don’t meet my son’s needs, I do. It’s just that we don’t have set meal times, set bedtimes, set wake up times, set bath times (or even days). Basically we don’t have ‘set’ anything really. Sure, on the whole if we go to sleep at a reasonable hour (before 10.30pm) then I read him a book and I often sing a song or ten, but the order and length of these things varies. On late nights (11pm onwards) we generally skip that altogether. These are just a few of the benefits that freedom parenting has given my son.
1. My son is learning to go with the flow. My son is pretty easy going (for a two and a half year old); he has meltdowns every now and then but on the whole he’s flexible. He genuinely hasn’t gotten used to having structure in his life when it comes to the timing or sequence of events, because he doesn’t expect something at a set time, it means he can’t mind if it doesn’t appear as expected. In practice this means he is happy to travel around the globe and experience new things, eat totally different foods and make friends with diverse peoples. It also means that he’s OK with me being late with lunch, or doing bedtime differently, after all who’s to say it’s late or different anyway?
2. I can get a lie in at the weekends. Seriously. A friend wanted to meet for brunch the other morning and she suggested we meet early because, and I quote, “you’ll be up early, what with having a toddler”… Err, actually I won’t. If I know I don’t have to get up early then I sure as hell don’t want a toddler jumping on my head at 6am**. So instead, I put myself and my son to bed later and lie in with him the next morning. When we create routine bedtimes, we also create routine wake up times. Changing the first one won’t necessarily alter the second. When the bedtime isn’t set then neither is the wake up time. My son has become attached to the number of hours he sleeps – not the time he falls asleep or the time he wakes up. I can move his bedtime and know that the wake up time will adjust accordingly.
3. I get to take my son to lots of exciting (and not so exciting) stuff. My son and I are pretty inseparable. I like going out, AND I like being with him. By not worrying about routine I can take him along with me. Not always and not everywhere, but a lot more than if I was following a routine. I take him to street food festivals, dinners out, friends parties and he’s generally pretty obliging. I love that he gets to experience all these things and I’m sure it’s widening his world view even from this tender age and it’s certainly helping to keep me sane.
4. I learn to respond to my son’s cues. I know we all do this, but because I’m not following a set time for eating and sleeping etc, I never look at my watch for signs of what’s coming next, I look to my son. If I think he’s getting hungry I feed him. If I think he’s tired I take that into account. By not following a routine I don’t expect anything at a set time, instead I’m always aware that I need to look for his cues and follow them. As much as he doesn’t have expectations, neither do I, therefore he’s less able to throw me with his needs being out of sync with my expectations.
5. It means I’m not stuck with a routine. I honestly believe that the best approach to parenting is the one that suits you and your lifestyle (so basically if you disagree with my approach, don’t worry because you needn’t follow it). However, when it comes to routine it seems that nearly everyone agrees they are the holy grail of responsible parenting. But why? What if you don’t live a routine focused life yourself, why then would it be so crucial? I want to be able to go out in the afternoons and know that if I’m enjoying myself I don’t need to worry about getting home for tea time, bathtime or even bedtime. Baths happen in our house when it suits us, sometimes that’s not very often, sometimes it’s three nights in a row. It’s random. It’s fun. It’s convenient. Sure, as a single parent I’m probably even less willing to be constrained by a routine, but I think I wouldn’t want that anyway. It’s not who I am. I like to be free and independent. I like to be a parent. Living without a routine is my way of being true to all these parts of me and for now it suits my son too.
Does anyone else not follow a routine? What pros and cons have you found with it?
*My son is not school age yet so I can’t say I know what it’s like to have a child with no routine once they get to that point, I’m guessing it’s a lot harder as they will have a set wake up time (if they want to make it to school on time) so I appreciate this might not work for those with older children. But watch this space because I really want to find a way to carry on with those lie-ins!
**Admittedly I have experienced this though, I guess it’s a rite of passage for all parents – routine or not!
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12th May 2022 at 8:30 pm
Wow I love this article and the positive comments. I expect my daughter to go sleep early all week apart from weekends but then wander why she won’t go sleep in the week . Also for me I feel like I’m always on a time scale tea at certain time, bed time…. And that does get me flustered really something to think about thankyou
11th January 2023 at 9:52 pm
Thanks.
9th February 2022 at 5:51 am
Thank you wonderful article iv been on the Google hunt for this exactly and so grateful to have found it, even googling “no routine for baby” brings a barrage of judgement and critism of anyone who doesn’t find routines the way to go.
I knew when preg with no3 (my lil miracle) that I wasn’t gonna rush this one with routines and what society assume is right for my kids, I hold him and cuddle to sleep, meal times vary, he sleeps on me, in sling, pram, car etc as we travel all over for home Ed activities and he fits so wonderfully into our life.
Thank you for reminding me that my natrual instinct was right for our family xx
11th January 2023 at 9:53 pm
Lovely words, thank you. x
24th October 2019 at 11:06 am
I love your post!!! I’m currently getting divorced and my ex is taking me to court to get custody as he doesn’t like my no-routine approach to parenting!! I agree whole heartedly with your approach and I’m glad there are others like me out there!
24th October 2019 at 4:01 pm
We are out here! Routine is over rated 🙂 although saying that I’m definitely less flexible now I have two little ones to contend with. Congratulations/ sorry (delete as appropriate!) about the divorce. Court cases for custody sound hideous, sorry you’re going through that. I hope it works out ok and you have support going through it.
15th December 2017 at 7:16 pm
I am curious if anybody has experience with a “no routine” lifestyle with a child with autism. I feel that adhering to a strict routine would instill OCD tendencies. Wouldn’t it be better to teach your children skills to be adaptable? I am honestly curious.
Our family, parents and kids, have ADHD, so “routine” is non-existent. I do have one son, that used to get anxiety when our day included unexpected events. To avoid his anxiety attacks, I would try to remember to give him heads up on events that I knew were upcoming. That way, the entire day wasn’t a surprise to him…. perhaps just a few hiccups per day. Now that he is 11, he comes to me every evening, and asks me what we have planned the next day. I feel this is an awesome skill that an 11year old has acquired in order to prevent his own anxiety. I don’t think he would have acquired that skill at such a young age if our life was “routine.”
15th December 2017 at 11:01 pm
Really interesting point. I don’t have any experience of that but maybe it could help like you say. I’m sure there will be other situations where it doesn’t help and no kid is identical so we just have to do what works best for us and our little ones. X
9th February 2022 at 5:40 am
Yes we are the same I have a, 13yr old with autism, 11yr old with adhd and a 14 month old we are “no routine parenting” my oldest set his own routine at a young age and now still takes himself to bed early And sleeps late (we home Educate) it’s wonderful that he knows instinctively what his body and mind need.
My middle child likes yours needs to know to a degree what’s on for each day, so I give him a rough idea each night, he does lots of visits and “I love you” before bed, some dragon breathing a story about his dragon and bed a lil later than my oldest and always needs to be prompted to bed when tired…this can range from 7.30 to 9pm depending on activities of day and what we doing next day… Hrs my early riser. My 14 month old works around or days and I couldn’t imagine it any other way.
No routine works for us and I couldn’t imagine having an enviromement where one routine was the best thing for my very different lil cubs.
X
11th January 2023 at 9:54 pm
It sounds brilliant. I’m so impressed he takes himself off to bed. I’m still working on getting there with any of mine!
6th September 2017 at 1:10 pm
I am thankful for this contrary-to-most article about routine! Its how we live too! Everyone is always all about routine and it drives me crazy! I’ve never had it so trying to change now is difficult! However i will be homeschooling so that’s helpful for us! My boy is 3 and we just do 2-3 hours of school 4 days a week so far! Its gratifying to hear your view and reasoning! Thank you! <3
6th September 2017 at 3:17 pm
That sounds fab. My son will be going to school next year so I’m conscious that things will probably all change then but for now I’m making the most of it 🙂
24th April 2017 at 8:31 am
That’s brilliant. I’m so glad you’ve found a way that works for you too. Sounds like you’ve found a perfect balance 🙂
24th April 2017 at 7:45 am
Thank you so much for writing this. I have spent over two years since my daughter was born trying to get her into a routine. Bedtimes are a nightmare – I carry her kicking and screaming to bed at 8pm and have to sit with her for an hour until she falls asleep, then she’s up throughout the night. On the occasions I let her fall asleep when she’s tired rather than on cue (usually 9/10pm) its such a relief as she goes to bed willingly and happily.
After a lot of googling and thinking, I’ve finally realised the problem is me; I can’t stick to a routine – it sucks the life out of me – so how can I get her to stick to one? Every time I try to force one it doesn’t work and I end up feeling like a failure. I have often felt trapped by being a parent, like my freedom has vanished, but the realisation that its ok to do things in the way that feels right to me and that this doesn’t make me a bad parent is so liberating!
Our life isn’t completely chaotic and unstructured, but knowing I have the freedom to follow her cues and our family’s lifestyle rather than forcing ourselves to live by the clock makes me feel alive again. I feel like I can integrate her into my life and enjoy spending time with her, rather than every day being a chore and full of guilt.
Thanks again for the enlightenment.
8th October 2019 at 11:53 am
Thank you for this article! I have been so sick of hearing this cliche “ children thrive with routine” it’s like 10 years ago everyone was so sure “low fat” was the way to go and fat is bad for our body …. everyone is different, every child is different. I hate routines and I’m not an unsuccessful person. My child also is miserable with rigid routines so why force her just because majority of the people think this is how you should live your life.
8th October 2019 at 10:56 am
Glad to hear you liked the article and this is all so true. I have a second born now and he’s more routine focused which has been an adjustment for me but just goes to show all kids are different. He’s also learning to be a bit more flexible cause I’m still doing things with him outside of his ‘routine’ and again I’m sure this is helping him be more flexible!!
16th November 2016 at 7:52 pm
This is kind of fascinating Ella. I can’t see why there would be a backlash (although I know what you mean because people tend to think that it’s their way or the highway) but in my opinion it’s each to their own – if it works for you (and your son) then that’s great! I can definitely see the benefits too. Personally I do like a bit of routine – that’s just me – I like to know where I stand and I’m not the kind of parent that’s happy to be around their kids 24/7 (that sounds awful but I like a balance) – I work part time, but I’m a single mum like you so I do spend a fair bit of time with them, however they are both now school age and yes, that does factor into the routine side of things massively – extra-curricular activities which happen at set times too.
What is interesting is the fact that you kind of throw societal norms out the window which really challenges my notion of what is ‘normal’ after all. Maybe you should consider home-schooling when the time comes? I think that would be the solution for you guys if practical… Thanks for linking up to #thetruthabout this week!
16th November 2016 at 10:48 pm
Thanks Sam. Yeah I kind of like the idea of home schooling but then I think all day with him arrggghh no way!! I also work part time but luckily my mum helps with childcare so I only have to make it to nursery one day a week on time 🙂 he’s often still asleep when I head out. Also I like the idea of school being where you meet people from all walks of life, but I have no idea how we (ok me!) will manage early mornings five days a week!!
16th November 2016 at 12:03 am
I think that, like most things, we all work out a way of doing things that is right for us and our kids. I’ve never been into a strict routine with my three, but I do like a certain amount of structure. But that’s more to do with a pattern than set times and a strict order of events. As a result my guys are all pretty flexible too (although they are all at school now, so bedtimes do need to be sensible during the week – for their benefit and my sanity!) and we enjoy our weekends however they come, eat out and travel a lot. #thetruthabout
16th November 2016 at 8:23 am
Sounds good. Deffo with you on finding a way that works for you. I’m in no-way suggesting that no-routine is better than having one. Just that no routine can work and be good for kids too. Thanks for commenting.
31st October 2016 at 1:27 pm
We don’t have a schedule/routine either. I don’t live my life by the clock, so why should I expect my baby to!?
I completely agree that the best parenting is whatever suits you and your lifestyle