Co-Sleeping With My Toddler

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I was co-sleeping with my son until he was about 13 months old, then, out of sheer desperation for a decent night’s sleep following my return to work, I reluctantly put him in his own room. To my surprise he bloody loved it. He loved the independence and instantly started to sleep (slightly) better. It was a slow uphill journey but eventually he was sleeping through the night. Result.

Fast forward nine months and that had all changed. Now that he has the freedom to move in and out of bed as he wishes he struggles even more to fall asleep in his own bed. On the odd occasion that he does, its not long before he wakes up and comes to join me instead. It’s become such an exhausting pattern that I’ve now decided it is simpler, and nicer, to sleep with him from the start of the night.

At first I felt guilty for co-sleeping with my son, although I’m not too sure why, surely it’s a normal thing to do (like most sleep options are). I know the NHS warn against it for young babies, but the same risks don’t exist for toddlers. Despite this, there seems to be a general undercurrent of anti-co-sleeping amongst both parents and non-parents alike. You often feel the eye roll when you mention it, and are met with the suggestion that you’re creating a rod for your own back. The only rod it has given me, is one that helps me stand up straight and face the world.

When my son starts the night away from me and joins me in the dead of night he is much more likely to wake up fully. This means he does not re-settle easily, far from it. He can take two hours to fall sleep again and, in the meantime, I have to haul him back from opening the blind to check where the moon is, tell him it’s not time for a bath and reiterate that no, I will not go and make him toast, potatoes or broccoli at 2am. His midnight wake-ups when we start the night together are generally less extreme. Usually he will wake and murmur a few words, or call out for me. Often he will just reach out to check for me, or cuddle up closer. OK, so sometimes it’s annoying when he wants to lie on my head but I find it reassuring that I’m there to comfort him when he needs it. What’s more it helps me feel less guilty about his sleeping issues which I believe (in part) stem from insecurity due to his (turbulent) relationship with his dad. The fact that I can be there for him throughout the night, and I know he can reach out to me any time he needs comfort is a calming feeling for me, just as much as it is for him.

When I put my son to sleep in my bed it means that by the time I come to join him later the bed has already been warmed. Not just literally, but emotionally too. As I settle in to bed his murmurs gently break the silence of the evening I’ve just spent alone downstairs, and bring a smile to my face. Now I can curl up next to him and block out the loneliness and remember how lucky I am to have my son. If not for the warmth of his body and his steady breathing beside me the loneliness would be ten fold.

My son’s presence helps to keep me grounded in the here and now when my thoughts are trying to escape from reality and dream of what could have been, what should have been. Those nights are hard but with my son there to locate me they become somewhat easier. His breathing calms me. His presence helps me to control my thoughts and stop me as I start to fly away on depressing flights of fancy where there is no happiness to be found.

Even now, as I write this, I’m lying next to him, I can’t see him as the glare from my phone is casting darkness all around, but I can hear his heavy breathing and feel the reassuring pressure of his foot against my hip. When I need a comforting glance at his peaceful face, I unlock my phone and use the light of the screen to light up his own face.

Instead of jumping at every sound, I feel safe knowing that we are together. I’m not sure a toddler would be much use to fend off robbers, but it’s still reassuring to have him close when I wonder at the bumps in the night. Maybe it stems from the night when I was faced with a real fear for his safety and mine. On that night though I was not curled up next to him; I was downstairs with the danger himself and in a split second I had to decide what to do. Run upstairs and grab my sleeping baby, but risk taking the danger into his dreams, or stay downsides and protect the stairs that led to him. I opted for the former, grabbed him and got out of that place. My home. Our home. I think an experience like that makes it difficult to ever truly relax again when your little one isn’t in your sight and you’re vulnerable (sleeping). Even though my son was still a babe in arms back then, that night and the experiences that followed have played a part in his sleep demons to this day.

My son needs to sleep, yes. He also needs to feel safe. Sometimes without the reassurance that I’m there he can’t find that safe feeling, so how can he find that sleep? Co-sleeping is giving me a way to deal as painlessly as possible with my son’s sleep challenges and as luck would have it, it’s also giving me a way to fall asleep feeling safe, secure and loved. Feelings that can be hard to find as a single mum, so I for one am going to grab them when I can. Co-sleeping is helping both of us.

Resources

Women’s Aid are the key charity in the UK providing support to people experiencing physical, sexual or emotional abuse in their homes.

There are tips here on how to co-sleep safely.

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