I have a son who won’t sleep. I mean he will sleep, eventually, but everyday it’s a nightmare. It’s been like this for about four months, there has been the odd OK couple of days, but on the whole it’s been getting gradually worse. I’ve heard all the advice (and pretty much tried it all, and then some).
Get him in a routine.
Change his routine.
Put him down earlier.
Why do you put him down so early?
Wake him up earlier.
He must be too tired.
He must not be tired enough.
You need to tire him out more.
Let him cry it out.
Don’t let him cry it out.
Light on.
Light off.
Use a toddler sleep light.
Most of the comments relate to my son’s level of tiredness. Believe me, that is not what’s stopping him sleep. My son is not sleeping because he does not want to sleep.
My son will quite often tell me at lunch time that he is tired. I try to get him to nap. It basically never works. So how by the evening can he not be tired enough to sleep? I do not know. But if he refuses to sleep at nap time how can I ensure he is not too tired by bedtime? I do not know.
How, by the evening when I have tried to put him down at 6.15pm am I not trying early enough? I do not know.
How, when I try to put him down at 10pm am I putting him down too early? I do not know.
My son does not want to sleep. It kills me that my son does not want to sleep. Oh yes, I know it’s just a phase. But that does not help. Do you know what it’s like for your son to give up napping before he’s two, you feel that you have been cheated somehow. The only saving grace, or so I thought, was that at least I would have the evenings to get a break from him. That does not happen. I am lucky if he has fallen asleep by 9.45pm. I am lucky if I don’t get more than two middle of the night wake up calls.
My son needs to sleep.
I need him to sleep.
But he will not sleep.
I often watch my son as his eyes roll and I *know* he’s just about to fall asleep, when. Suddenly. Up he jumps, talking about cabbages. The moment has passed. The whole bedtime process needs to start again. And no doubt again and again after that.
Yes, you need to be tired to sleep. Just like a car needs petrol to move. But that’s not the only thing. If someone’s cars battery is flat do you repeatedly tell them to refill the petrol tank? No. It wouldn’t make any sense. Tiredness is not the only thing you need to sleep. And over-tiredness (a phrase I positively hate) is not the only thing which can stop a child from sleeping.
A child can struggle to sleep for many reasons.
Because they worry that you will not be there when they wake up.
Because they are having too much fun and just want it to continue.
Because they are scared of the dreams that envelop them once they are asleep.
Because they are so interested in everything that they want to continue exploring the wonderful world around them.
I believe that each and every one of these reasons affects my son’s ability to sleep. Sometimes he will only sleep lying on top of me. This is especially the case if he has seen his father that day and his fears of abandonment reappear. Other times he just jumps up again and again to find a new game, another book, or just to throw his nappies around the room.
Tiredness is only one part of the sleep equation. But it seems to be the part that everyone obsesses about.
My son takes three hours to go to sleep regardless of when bedtime starts, regardless of when he wakes up and regardless of how many stories I read, songs I sing, cuddles I give or whether or not I lie there with him willing him to sleep snuggled up next to me in bed, often times struggling to keep my own eyes open.
So no, my son is not too tired, or not tired enough or anything in between. My son is just my son and he happens to hate falling asleep.
Support
I have no ideas for supporting you with a toddler who does not sleep. In my opinion there is nothing. But if it helps at all, know you are not alone. Know that there are many of us out there but unless you have experienced it at close quarters yourself it can be hard to understand that there really is not much else you can do other that keep on keeping on.
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5th May 2016 at 8:18 pm
Co sleeping is good.
Getting into bed with them and reading a story with them, and lying there in darkness till they fall asleep is good.
Milk before bed is good
Reduce exercise and screens before bed
I think if a small child is wired, it takes a lot of work to get them into a habit of associating bedtime with tuning out, they actually associate it with separation, and more anxiety, so the last thing they can do is tune out. But just keep at it, and the habit will come that they can trust you to stay there and fall asleep with you present.
Children DO get completely overtired, but their brains still cannot switch off, it is a survival mechanism, they are on alert, just like you or I when we have insomnia or cannot sleep from anxiety, or worrying about travelling the next day or that the alarm wont go off. This overrides the organic need for sleep which is still there in the background.
If you put him to bed at 8pm and stay there until 10pm, in a boring sort of way, slowly he’ll get used to the idea that nothing else happens, but you are there. It is when you try and do something else and leave that they start driving you crazy!!!
Milk and biscuits before bed too might be worth it or a big bowl of cereal.
I loved loved co sleeping. I had twins and one was very hyper – she slept in her own bed, and was a nightmare to put to sleep. The other who co-slept from about 1am was a dream to put to bed. I should have put her to sleep in our bed every night, it would have saved so much aggro, and hurt. I only twigged this when she was about 6, that she needed to fall asleep in my arms.
Weighted blankets. Sleeping bags. Comfort objects.
No reward charts or controlled crying.
Also, a babysitter once in a while. Just to break the drudgery of it all.
5th May 2016 at 8:22 pm
Thanks for the comment. Yep – cosleeping is good 🙂