It doesn’t take a genius to work out that the coronavirus will hit single parents hard. Here’s a list of all the reasons why, and here’s a petition to do something about it. However, there are also – in theory at least – a number of reasons why single parents are well placed to deal with life during a global pandemic.
Writing as a single parent about the highs and (many) lows of my life is hard. Many people find solace in my words as they recognise their own realities, and for that I’m glad. Others disagree, some take offence and occassionally people try to convince me my life is other than what I feel it to be so. I write as a release, so my posts can tend to focus on the negative side of single parenting, though I try to balance it up with upbeat ones too. I began this list as a way to be positive about the crisis as a single parent. Has it come across like that? I’m not convinced. It might just seem like a list of reasons why our lives are bloody hard every other day of the year too, and I’m not sure I’d disagree.
I’m currently on day ten of self-isolation. I ventured out into the world today for the first time since we started isolating. Some people have acknowledged that this has probably been a hard time for me. They wouldn’t be wrong. Most likely though they have no idea quite how hard. As much as I’d like to believe in this list of reasons why we can bat off coronavirus and its impacts without a second glance (I wrote the bloody thing after all), I’m afraid I’m not seeing how the similarities between my life pre-virus and now are making it any easier to cope. I’ve cried soooooo many times in this last week or so, and shouted at my kids even more than usual. My patience couldn’t possibly be thinner. I don’t get a second of space to breath on my own let alone think (imagine family toilet trips and three in a bed and you start to get the picture). I feel like know I am failing my son with his ‘homescholing’, not because I’m not doing what the school send him (that goes without saying), but because when I do try and engage him in fun, learning activities (a.k.a. GAMES) it all goes to pot; the baby screams and throws the toys around, I lose my cool and my eldest feels ignored – yet again. My kids who used to be relatively good at amusing themselves have become as clingy as a, well as clingy as a kid on lockdown. My freedoms which were already hugely curtailed as a single mother have become doubly so. My mental health – which like 30% of single parents – was already a huge challenge – has become an even greater one. I’ve had incredibly, incredibly dark moments. The previous levels of worrying about balancing work, studies, kids and managing finances have exploded. I’m not sure I’m seeing five years of living life as a restricted single mum as a benefit right now. Instead I’m feeling that my reserves – like millions of other single parents – have already been broken down beyond recognition and there’s very little left to get us through one of the greatest crisis’ of all times.
In the words of that famous show though, I’ve started, so I’ll finish (the list that is), but the more I think about this, the more I’m worried that rather that single parenting making us more resourceful at dealing with the current situation, it might just make us the worst placed of all.
What do you think?
1. We are used to our world falling apart. Now, of course this isn’t all single parents by any means, many of us came into this through careful planning. But many of us came into this gig the hard way. A relationship failure or the death of a loved one can often feel like the end of the world. Not just at the time, but for a long time after. It’s not only about our path to single parenting either. Once here, single parents often seem to get a larger dose of challenges; challenges which must be born alone. The upshot – single parents are adept at dealing with shit and fans all day long. We are strong and resilient or we wouldn’t have made it this far.
2. We are used to intense relationships with our children. They’ve been that way since the start. Not just because we are so physcially close, but because there isn’t a second person to dilute our interactions; we are like magnets spinning, alternately attracting and repelling each other with equal force. Spending hours alone in confined spaces isn’t new to most single parents or our kids.
3. We are used to having our freedoms curtailed. Without a live-in partner it’s pretty rare you can make a spontaneious decision, even when all it means is popping to the shop for milk during nap time or after the kids are in bed. Instead, we must plan well in advance; ensure we always have emergency milk supplies and never, ever think we can have a social life. It’s what’s at the root of the next point…
4. We are used to having little adult interaction. For many, it might be better to describe this as: we are used to lonely evenings. As a single parent you have to rely on favours (pretty hard to come by I find) or hard earned cash (also pretty hard to come by) to manage a minute or two away from the kids. The result – you generally don’t. Instead, evenings are spent alone, in isolation. This can hit hard at first. But over time, most of us get used to it and often crave that alone time once the kids have gone to sleep (if indeed we are lucky enough to get them to sleep before we too crash out exhausted). It’s not just the evenings either. Weekends when we stay home are also often just us and the kids. Sometimes it’s quite nice that way.
5. We are used to blending everything into one messy life. Even though most of us rely on childcare to do our paid work, many of us still blend our lives around the edges because without a backup person the truth is, we’ve probably already encoutered our work and family life colliding. Through my maternity leave I took on additional work which had to be crammed in between baby naps to make it through financially. We are used to not being able to separate these elements of our life seamlessly because there is only us to pick up the slack, workwise, financially and childcare. It’s all on us.
6. Talking of sick kids; we are used to caring for them whilst ill. In fact, I can’t quite believe the offers of help I’ve had since contracting (suspected) coronavirus. Believe me when I say I was in more pain after giving birth, or what about when I had various bouts of mastitis and literally couldn’t move from my bed, yet still had two kids to care for – people weren’t so interested in assisting then. Or the hidesous chest infection. Again – no support forthcoming. I begged my 13 year old neice to come and play with the boys downstairs for an offer of money, but she had plans (understandably). Instead, I struggled on regardless. It’s a reality that many, many families are going to face as both parents come down with this virus simultaneously and it’s one that single parents have normally already experienced.
7. We are used to letting go when things go wrong. These rules of screen time hours, or sticking to routines. What.Ever. We’ve been used to letting things go and getting through by the skin of our teeth since time immemorial. And we will continue. I’ve left the eldest in front of the telly as I’ve slept with baby over these days because I’ve had to. He’s survived, and – most importantly – so have I. Now I’m back to working I’ve left him there to get work done whilst the baby naps. When people say don’t feel guilty about screen time I realise it says a lot more about their attitude towards its use than mine. Guilt is certainly not a feeling I associate with a piece of modern technology that keeps my child safe, happy and entertained whilst I try to fight off a deadly virus.
8. The intense feelings of worry so many parents are feeling now is – sadly – pretty normal in the single parent household, especially those who solo parent young kids. I know I’m not alone in having worried for the first four years of his life that if something awful happened to me, my son would perish before anyone would notice. Once he hit an age where I could instruct him on what to do in an emergency, that fear lifted a little, but it’s never disappeared. When his younger brother was born I reguarly reminded him of what to do in an emergncy and it included feeding him milk – or water if he couldn’t access it – through the bars of his cot. Luckily my son has never had to use these emergency plans, but we’ve been making them for years, now emergency planning seems to be on everyone’s mind.
9. We are used to making the impossible work. When we have to work, get to a medical appointment and watch the kids in their starring role at the school play, somehow – don’t ask me how – we find a way to make it all work. Because we ALWAYS have to, because it’s ALWAYS only us who’s scheming and planning and making shit happen. So now, when the shelves are bare and we are only allowed to go out alone, we will, somehow find a way to make it work.
10. We have a strong community to fall back on. Since the pandemic has errupted I’ve been inundated with messages on various single parent chats I’m on. I’ve been able to get advice on the single parent Airbnb whatsapp chat about upcoming bookings. I’ve been able to share feelings on the covid support chat for single parents, and I’ve been able to discuss back up childcare plans on my local solo mums chat. The single parent community has always been strong and covid-19 is strengthening that.
11. Most of all, the thing placing us in number one position to get through this pandemic, is the fact that somehow, by miricle, grit and determination, we have gotten through everything that has been thrown at us to this point. We have done that because we have no choice. And covid-19 is a prime example of parents everywhere having no choice but to do their best. And that’s exactly what each and every one of us single parents will do.
If you are interested in hearing more from me, you can follow my blog on facebook. Just go to my page here and give me a like to stay up to date with my latest blogs. I’m also available on twitter @EllamentalMama and Instagram: @Ellamental_Mama