4 Things Single Mums Want For Mother’s Day 

Being a single mum is hard. If you know a single mum and you’d like to get her something for mother’s day then look no further. Here’s a conclusive list of what single mums want for mother’s day.

1. For people to stop saying ‘I don’t know how you cope’. The main reason is pretty simple really, it’s because we often (can I write always?) don’t cope (I hope I’m not just talking of myself here or that would be kind of embarrassing). Just last night the bedtime nappy change was so disastrous it ended up with us both in tears. Like full on screaming tears. Oh, and maybe there was a *little bit* of swearing. This is not the sign of a woman you should be in awe of so please don’t utter those words in my direction. Sometimes it seems like this phrase is really just a way to absolve the utterer of any feeling that they could be supporting us (single) mums, and to encourage us to keep shtum about our everyday struggles.

2. For people to ask us how we are. I mean really ask us how we are. We are pretty much programmed to say fine. And, we are pretty much guaranteed not to be. All too often this question is asked in a passing breeze; those text messages asking how I am. The closest I come to the truth is to say, ‘all the same’. I mean, I’m a single mum who’s not happy with my situation. Will I suddenly become fine overnight? No, life doesn’t work like that. So I figure the person texting either knows my reality and doesn’t expect an honest answer, or they haven’t grasped how I feel about my life and a 160 word text message isn’t about to bring them any closer. Either way there’s no point pouring out my soul. It’s not much easier in person either. I know I should be more honest, but if I tell you the truth, I mean if I really tell you the truth, it’s liable to end with me as a whimpering shell on the floor. How can I do that to myself? How can I do it to you? How can I do it to my son? And the scariest thing of all, if I let you in, I must let myself out. I must let out the truth and the pain, in its most rawest of forms and once I’ve done that I have no idea how I will put myself back together again. I fear I won’t. I can’t let that happen. Being a single mum does not allow for being a broken mum. But I am a broken mum. I’m a broken, single mum. It’s an impossible reality to live with, one which can only be contained by suffocating it.

3. For someone to take the kid(s) out. It really doesn’t matter where, or what you do, but single mums who are the only carer for their kids rarely get any time when it’s just them. I mean, we get people to babysit for the twice yearly night out, sure, and that’s great (although being alone with the little one the next day, tired and hungover isn’t so great but you can’t have it all). We also sort childcare so we can go to work to pay for the childcare. But none of this is the alone time we so crave. This mother’s day I’d love to go the toilet alone, or watch TV or crazy idea, think. I never feel like I have the chance to just think about anything, I’m not even sure I know how to anymore. If you know a single mum, just take the kid to the park. Like now. Like seriously. Like why are you even still reading this blog? Don’t just say you will. Follow through and do it. They won’t ask. Single mums aren’t made that way. Even when you offer they will try to fob you off, it’s a testing we do. Like when kids push the boundaries to see what they can get away with. Single mums push away the help and support to see if the person really means it. To see if they really care. To see if they can rely on you. Single mums are so used to doing it alone they forget how to share the burden even if it’s just for one hour a month. So make us. Help us.

4. For people not to assume being a single mum gets easier. I used to think this and I know a fab single mum who insists it *does* get easier with time, so (I’m hoping) maybe one day I’ll eat my words but I’ve been at it for nearly two years now and I don’t think it’s got any easier, not really. There were a few weeks where my son was sleeping through and I thought I was getting a handle on things. But now it feels like I’m almost back to square one. If you’re a mum you’ll probably remember those days on maternity leave when you used to be at breaking point before your partner came home. Do you remember? Those evenings when you were desperate for them to come home. Where you instantly handed over the baby before they’d taken their coat off. Where you walked past them without a word just to get some fresh air away from the screaming baby. Or those evenings where you just collapsed into their arms and cried. It was fucking hard wasn’t it? Can you imagine what it’s like to not have that reprieve, for hundreds, if not thousands of days?

Can you imagine,

The build-up of pressure;

The accumulation of exhaustion;

The overflow of claustrophobia?

 

It wears you down,

over the months and the years,

it

wears

you

down.

 

P.S. What I’ve said here probably rings true for lots of mums, not just single mums. Being a mum is hard enough at the best of times, those of us with additional challenges struggle more. Like single mums, and also others – mums of multiples, mums of children with additional needs, mums who’ve lost their own mums recently, mums who’ve lost another child – the list goes on. So just think of this post as a friendly request to look out for our fellow mums this mother’s day and realise that whatever challenges we have, there’s no guarantee that the path to deal with them always travels forwards. The path, like life itself weaves a circular and, at times, backwards, path, sometimes becoming easier, sometimes harder, but always a challenge.

 

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Resources 

If you too are a single parenting and you’re struggling, or heck you just want to meet a few other people in your position, then Gingerbread is a great resource. They have advice and information as well as lots of local groups around the UK. Single Parents also has some useful information and advice, as does Single Parents Support.