My Divorce Is a Sign of Strength

If we don’t know personally, then we’ve surely all heard how marriage is hard work, especially once children enter the mix. There are so many posts about it; beautiful ones about the struggles and joys of married life,* and others which, quite frankly, border on the offensive – emphasising how nowadays people aren’t cut out for the hard work of marriage and choose divorce at the first sign of trouble.

I beg to differ.

Not on the ‘marriage is hard-work’ part – I’m with you all the way on that one. My respect for those who maintain a positive marriage does not, however, necessitate disrespecting those who divorce. The issue I have is with the idea that divorcees lack the determination and hard-work of happily married couples. Are we really expected to believe that hard-work always leads to success? Just look at the William’s sisters at the Olympics in Rio this year – training hour upon hour every day in preparation, yet they both went crashing out; a lack of hard-work was not the issue.

Sometimes when a marriage falters you’re witnessing the symptom of a bigger problem, not the problem itself. When you are not the underlying issue, it’s very hard to be a part of the solution. When my marriage started to crumble it was for many reasons, but very few of them were within my direct sphere of influence. I thought they were at the time, but that was where I was wrong. I tried to attack the problem as if it could be solved:

Find a solution.

Make a plan.

Work hard.

I did it all. Maybe some of you reading this are thinking, but did you really try? Perhaps you tried in the wrong way. Sure, there were probably things I could have done better. But at the end of the day, if I’d made a few more shots on target it wouldn’t have altered the fact that I was playing in the wrong team to start with. I fought so hard for him, for us. He didn’t. That doesn’t mean I lost though; how can I lose a fight that was never mine to have?

If there was any failure in my divorce journey, it was not on the day I filed those papers; it was in the effort I put in to avoid that at all costs. The hard-work I kept on giving even when all the indicators were telling me it was pointless. Sometimes we become so set on what society sees as failure, that we forget to look in the mirror and see what the fight is doing to us day in, day out. I can see now that I tried for much, much longer than was healthy and I’m still suffering the consequences to this day. I failed when I stayed with my husband and put my son’s and my life at risk. I did not fail the day I ran out of there clutching my sleeping beauty to my breast. That was the day I succeeded for my son and for me. I was not weak the day I shut the door on that man. I was the strongest I’ve ever been. Like so many single mums who have gone through traumatic relationship breakdowns (whilst trying to parent a newborn), I have continued to show superhuman strength everyday since; on the good days, on the bad days and especially on the ugly days. My failure was, ironically, created when I wouldn’t give up. Like many others before me and, sadly, many more who will follow me, we often try so hard at marriage that we risk our very own souls; once the marriage ends we find we have lost a part of ourselves too.

Divorce is not some easy way out. When I hear the words, or even merely the implication, that divorce means as much, that it means I didn’t work hard enough, it makes me want to laugh. I think of the many, many women I’ve met on this journey of divorce and single motherhood who, like me, tried for far too long. Our stories are all different, but our efforts were the same; we busted a gut to make things work – for us, for our partners and for our children. To claim we failed, to claim we didn’t try is – to put it politely – absurd. It’s irrelevant if, like me, your marriage ended on bad terms, or if you managed to get out of there still friends. There is no hierarchy of acceptable reasons for divorce. We do not give up and walk away without a backward glance. I am a divorcee. I am not a failure. If you made that choice too then rest assured, there are those of us out here that know what you went through. We know that between the tears you cried; between those couple’s counselling sessions; between the ultimatums given (and broken); between the begging and pleading; between the ‘I’m at my wit’s end’ pounding-your-fists-on the-floor days; you were not slacking off on this new test of marriage. You were giving it your all, and then some.

To choose divorce is not to choose failure.

To choose divorce is to reach the bottom; to sink lower than you ever thought possible. Then, once you reach that abyss – when you are in your weakest hour – divorce grabs you by the scruff of your neck, slams you against the wall and demands that you find the greatest strength and courage of all; an inner strength, from somewhere deep inside, to carve out a new path. It is a strength that takes a long time to find, and an even longer time to recover from. Divorce may feel like the failed end of a marriage, but in actual fact, it is the start of a new journey. It is not a journey anyone would have wanted to take and it is lonelier and harder than anything you could possibly have envisioned when you took those vows, but it is your journey now, and yours alone. Divorce puts you back in the driver’s seat, and, ultimately, the new path you navigate contains the potential for happiness, so long as you still have the strength left to recognise it.

 

 

*I’m talking about ‘marriage’ and ‘divorce’ because I was married, and I am divorced. However, I think these points are also valid for any relationship where you have made a commitment to be life partners, whether you made that commitment outloud in front of many, or alone with your partner.

 

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If you liked this post, you might also like The Separation.

Support

If you’re experiencing challenges in your relationship you can contact Relate – The Relationship People for support and advice.

Women’s Aid are the key charity in the UK providing support to people experiencing physical, sexual or emotional abuse in their homes.

If you too have gone through a difficult divorce the Children’s Legal Centre can provide free advice on family law. Gingerbread can help with advice and local groups if you’re a single parent. Divorced Moms is a supportive online community where you can hear about others stories and access resources.