What Not To Say To Solo Mums By Choice

We’re always being told what not to say nowadays. If you think I’m about to say to hell with that, think again. Learning to be a little more sensitive can go a long way. Diverse families are becoming more and more common and sometimes it seems others haven’t kept a pace with what this means. I’m not trying to scare you into silence, just to encourage a little thought before passing comment. If you think it’s too much to remember, then just focus on this; so long as you approach these conversations in a supportive, non-judgemental manner, you’re unlikely to put your foot in it. Acknowledging you don’t know much about donor conception is unlikely to offend someone. Most of us don’t mind friends who get the terminology a bit wrong, and we’re usually happy to answer questions about how assisted reproduction works. It’s when the comments veer into negativity that we may take offence.

I’ve been collecting the dirt on what not to say to solo mums by choice for a little while now. Some of it’s been said to me, some of it to other solo mums I know. What comments have you experienced that had you rolling your eyes?

On hearing of someone’s plans to go it alone as a solo mum

Can you afford it?

Which bit? If we are talking about the getting pregnant part then if I have to delay retirement by one year to pay for it, so be it. If you’re talking about the raising them part – can any of us afford it? According to this a child costs around £12,000 a year. I used about £3.50 plus the contents of three bins for my first. But in all seriousness, yes, at some point it becomes impossible to pay for a(nother) child but if you really want one then holidays, coffees out – any vague luxury – all go out of the window before you reach the giving up point. If your friend’s attempting to get pregnant, chances are she has a plan. Unless you’re her bank manager it’s better not to comment.

You’re selfish/ it’s immoral/ how can you do that, etc, etc.

Seriously? Is this actually a thing in 2019? Either having a child is always selfish (which arguably it is), or it’s not (which arguably it’s not). Going it solo does not alter the essence of a mother wanting to bring a child into her life and planning to do their best by their baby. Any judgement tells much more about the one dishing it out than the one on the receiving end.

How will you cope?

Who knows? I certainly don’t. It’s quite obvious you think I won’t be able to cope though. Instead of the negative questions, why not just offer to help out once in a while. People struggle for all sorts of reasons, being a (solo) mum is just one of them.

But you’re so attractive/ funny/ nice, etc, etc.

Well, obviously, but that’s not really what it’s about is it? Being attractive/ funny/ nice or any combination of these wonderful adjectives does not guarantee us a partner worthy of creating a family with. It might sound like a compliment but given I don’t have a partner, it kind of implies that I might not be quite so attractive/ funny/ nice as you’re assuming. Relationships are hugely complex. If you managed to bag yourself a good un’ early in life and you haven’t experienced the anguish and heartache that can come from relationship failure then you’re lucky. For many of us, life hasn’t worked out that simple and a face lift/ comedy class etc will not secure us the partner of our dreams either.

On finding out she’s pregnant

“Congratulations – I didn’t know you were in a relationship.”

Welcome to the 21st century folks. She quite possibly isn’t in a relationship. Modern science has worked wonders and – let’s be honest – not everyone who has sex is in a relationship anyway. Single and pregnant is really not such an anomaly nowadays so let’s not assume anything. If you haven’t heard about a partner, there’s a good chance it’s because there isn’t one.

“But you’re not married!”

Hahahahahahahahahaha. Who knew we’d left the 18th century already.

Do you know who the dad is?

You just have to laugh that people actually say this to pregnant women. When the child is conceived by an anonymous donor the answer – of course – is, “not a clue”!

When a child tells you they don’t have a daddy

Everyone has a daddy.

This is actually one of the more serious misdemeanours in my eyes because it’s sometimes said to the child both from children and (more worryingly) adults. Surely you can’t have such a narrow view of the world that you don’t know there exists children without fathers, for very many varied reasons. Being donor conceived is one of these reasons. Children are already informed day in day out that the ‘normal’ family unit is two parents and a child (or two). They don’t need such inaccurate and potentially hurtful statements thrown at them (although, lots of our kiddies are so clued up they will just give you a sharp “not everyone, actually!” retort). When you’re talking about families and how babies are made with your own children, talk to them about all the wonderfully different ways families are created every day. The more children understand about the diversity of all our individual and wonderful set ups, the better. This list of children’s books for all ages is perfect for introducing the idea of single parent families to all children.

When you say your child/children is donor conceived

Will you just tell your son his father died before he was born?

I find it hard to believe this one but sadly solo mums have had such comments. Hopefully, when written down in black and white it’s easy to realise that there are many issues with this approach, not least that it’s a MASSIVE LIE AND YOU WILL BE FOUND OUT!

Are they from the same donor? And other highly personal questions.

Unless you’re close enough that the mother in question has chosen to tell you the children’s origins, it’s better not to ask. I mean, it’s not a normal question to ask a family so why is it deemed appropriate in a solo mum family?

Maybe when your son traces his father at 18 you’ll end up falling for him.

Well actually there is a story where that happened, but perhaps I could just live my life instead.

Aren’t you worried your son could end up marrying his half sister and he wouldn’t know?

No, not really. Are you worried that your father did?

Any wise crack – I’ve had a few – “have you gone asexual then?”, “how many siblings does he have, 100? hahaha”

Humour can be great when used wisely. Wise cracks about donor conception and our donor conceived babies are not wise. These are our babies you’re joking about. Some of us have sensitive spots about how life turned out and what this means for our children as they grow, these jokes don’t make us feel any better about it all, it’s really not worth upsetting a friendship for some quick laughs.

What about the real parents/ daddy?

This one is an issue of terminology and most people won’t really mind if you get it wrong, but they might correct you. Donors aren’t dads, they are donors. If you want to get brownie points for being really accurate, our children don’t ‘have’ a donor either, they were conceived ‘using’ a donor. If that one’s confusing don’t worry too much, just remember they aren’t dads – just donors. There’s no guarantee our children will want to find them, or be able to even if they do try. And in no sense is the donor a parent, let alone a “real” one. Beyond a formal communication telling them of a live birth from their donation, donors rarely know much about the child*.

That’s unnatural.

Have you checked that bag of crisps you’re eating? I’m pretty sure they are more unnatural than creating a child with a little bit of help from science. Donor conceived children are made from all the same ingredients as every other child – an egg and a sperm with the help of a womb – it doesn’t really matter where each of these come from, it’s who is waiting to love them when they arrive that matters.

Couldn’t you have waited to meet a man?

First off, maybe I’m not in to men. Secondly, don’t you think I’ve probably been waiting a while to find a partner to do this with? Thirdly, some of us are a little more proactive about creating the life we want, so no. I couldn’t just sit there and do nothing. I’ve taken life into my own hands, quite literally, and I couldn’t be happier.

What if s/he goes and finds their donor and prefers them to you?

I find it both shocking and upsetting that people might think the bond between a mother and child could disappear in an instance regardless of whether the genetics were ours or not (donor conception for solo mums can of course include donor eggs as well as donor sperm). If our children are so lucky as to find their donor(s) and form a bond with them I think that’s amazing. It’s also, realistically, not very likely and certainly not to the extent that any actual parent becomes side-lined. A parent is the one (or two, or five) who raise you. They are the ones that willed for you to come into the world, the ones who loved you every second of every day through the tears, laughter and arguments. In some lucky cases it might be added to with extra love and connections from donors but this is not a personality contest and our love will never be replaced.

You should keep it secret – don’t tell people.

Really? Maybe I will choose to keep it to myself, but that’s my choice! If you’re implying this is some dirty little secret you are so very, very wrong. Us solo mums have considered this decision over and over again. We have thought about how to handle it with the best interests of our children in mind. We have consulted others with experience and expert groups like the Donor Conception Network about how to explain our family setup to others and about how to deal with difficult questions. We don’t need advice from people who don’t know their IUI from their IVF.

On learning you’re a single mum

I’m just like a single mum too (said by an entirely UN-single mum).

This is both frustrating and entirely incorrect. It’s not a competition of who has it harder, yes it generally will be harder to be a solo parent (although other factors influence parenting struggles too), but it’s also just damn inaccurate in terms of the bad and the good of solo parenting. I bet that mum with the travelling husband doesn’t get to experience the joys of tinder! I’ve been married with a baby in (what became) a horrendous relationship and it sucks to high heaven, but it’s still totally different to solo parenting. There’s no point trying to pretend that it’s the same. Until you’ve experienced solo parenting and all it entails you’re unlikely to really get it, that’s fine, just don’t claim you are living it too.

It must be so hard/ you’re so brave

I know this is generally meant as a compliment, but it kind of sounds like you think we are mad. Have you considered the alternative and how hard that might be? Yes, having a child solo brings challenges, but it also brings many, many positives to our lives and this is why we do it. I have heard this type of comment even more since having a second child and I can honestly say that although there are of course things which are harder about my life now, my mental health has improved massively since proactively having a child solo.

On seeing that you’re struggling

Well you did choose this

Luckily most parents choose parenthood but that doesn’t stop them struggling. Parenthood is hard. It’s a pretty crappy attitude to take, unless of course you take the attitude that anyone who does anything, ever doesn’t deserve support from friends and family, because – after all – they chose it.

Random comments

Why Do Sperm Banks Keep Popping Up on Your laptop?

OK, so this could be a little awkward, especially if your boss is leaning over your shoulder. If you do get caught out try honesty. You never know, the bigger the group of people who know, hopefully, the more support you’ll get.

* This refers to unknown donors only. Known donors are of course a completely different kettle of fish. story are known as dad’s, or they are a relative to the child e.g. an uncle (kinship donors), or they may be known as a donor but have a relationship with the child. Basically with known donors the realities are so varied it’s not possible to sum it up here.

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