I don’t write many useful things. I’m more about letting out my emotions for all to read and getting a free dose of therapy whilst I’m at it. But there are some useful things I’ve learned as a single mum of two so I thought I’d share the love.
1. Try not to give a crap what others think. This is the main thing I’m working on and I know if I ever manage to do it then life will be a whole lot better. For some, it’s caring what people think of our home, for others our parenting approach. For me, it’s all about wishing they understood how hard single parenting is.
It’s been five years of single parenting and me lamenting it’s challenges to friends, family and social media peeps, and still it feels rare anyone gets it. I’m constantly upset by people who make comments which show a total lack of empathy. I haven’t quite worked out why it bothers me so much and I’ve certainly not learned how to stop caring, but noticing it is the first step. If you can do better than me on this then you’re winning.
2. Economise. Money is a struggle with only one income (be that salary or benefits) and economising helps. There are so many ways to save money – mainly by just not spending it in the first place. You’ll find you don’t really need half the things you think you do, and by saving up for a rainy day fund/ trip out/ holiday you’ll cope with life’s knocks and make more memories to fall back on in the harder days. I even wrote ten top tips on this very topic so you don’t have to.
3. Buy fresh veg from the market and freeze it. I’m actually in awe of myself for learning this hack. You know how you get those expensive already cut up packets of frozen peppers and the like? Well you can make your own for much cheaper and not that much stress. It’s £1 for about five peppers at my local market. I cut them up when I buy them and then I can just grab a handful when I need them. Saves time and money. Everyone’s a winner.
3. Do it all together. Be that a bath, tidying up or bedtime stories, everything can be a family activity if you try. The baby is already a dab hand with the broom, now if he’d stop emptying the rubbish from the dustpan back onto the floor we’d be winning. The idea of a solo bath, whilst appealing, is about as realistic as a flying pig on jupiter. So when it’s been too long, we all jump in together. Same for bedtime stories. I can’t divide and rule bedtimes when they are so young – and I’m not sure that would help anyway – so we all just cozy up together (and scream at the baby for ripping the pages). It might not be perfect, but it’s about the only way for things to run round here.
4. Stock up on emergency supplies. Have long life milk in the cupboard, back up tins of baked beans and some discount bread in the freezer. Then you won’t be caught short for dinnners/breaskfasts at moments when you can’t just nip out and buy stuff. Note to self, this does not work for emergency chocolate. That just gets eaten in one sitting.
5. Find a cheap teenage babysitter. Again this is one of my better brainwaves that I’m yet to enact. In theory my neice can do this but she hasn’t *actually* done this. Ideally you need a neighbour so there’s no issues with them getting home late at night. It must just be worth making friends with that family down the road after all!
6. Give up on the little stuff. You’ll probably do this automatically given the time pressures involved in parenting solo. But if not then learn to let go. A tidy house doesn’t matter. Hair washing? Christmas cards? Who cares? We can’t keep on top of it all. Work out what can be relegated on your priority list and chop it off entirely. There’s only so much time in the day and it’s much better spent having fun (well OK, I mean doing all the really essential tasks like making sure the kids eat and you all get to school/nursery/work ontime). We can never do it all, so don’t kill yourself trying.
7. Get your kids in on it all. I’m not talking about taking away their childhood, but about getting your kids to help, and – perhaps more importantly – to understand the reality of your life as a single parent.
My eldest is expected to put away his clothes, put his dishes in the sink (or back in the fridge if he doesn’t want more), throw the dirty nappies in the bin (I tried to induct the one year old on this task too but he keeps throwing them down the toilet which isn’t *quite* so helpful), and other simple tasks.
When things start unravelling at around 6pm most days I explain to him what’s happening. I tell him how I’ve been working non stop, done double pick-ups, got through the door, made dinner whilst also hanging out a wash whilst also dealing with the baby screaming, and so, when he complains about what’s to eat, it stresses me out/ I have very little patience left and an argument is about to ensue (that’s my polite way of saying mummy’s about to lose her rag). It normally helps a little and for me it’s not so much about his understanding in the moment (I don’t say this if he’s in full meltdown mode – it wouldn’t help anyone), but about him being able to reflect and understand our reality in the longrun.
When he’s asking for things I can’t afford, I explain to him that we don’t have money for certain things and that it costs to do x, y, z so we need to think about which thing we will choose to spend our money on.
Of course these things aren’t at the forefront of his mind all the time, he’s only five years old after all. But it helps him to understand our reality and what’s needed from him to live within this environment to make it as positive as possible for all of us – him included. He’s seen me at my worst and my best many times so even he understands that it’s worth chipping in and being reasonable because a less stressed mum is a whole lot more fun.
8. Celebrate your love. I don’t know if I’d be like this if I had a partner, but I feel like it’s something that has taken on a greater importance in our home because I know how hard it is to live without love. I will snuggle and kiss and cuddle my kids a hundred times a day. I will shower them with words of love and praise for being beautiful humans. Not because they are the kindest kids you’ll find (frankly they aren’t), but because it’s so important that we all feel the love in our family. I have no doubt that all this love will help us in days and years to come, quite frankly, it helps us in these days – the days when things are tough and shouty mum makes an appearance.
Celebrating our little family of three is the greatest way to appreaciate ourselves for all we do as single parents. Don’t forget to celebrate you and yours in amongst the chaos of it all too.
What’s your single parent life hack? Do you use any of these too?
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