10 Ways I’m Raising A Feminist Son

As a feminist I’m all about equality – equality for girls and boys; men and women. Here are some of the ways I’m raising a feminist son and passing on my feminist zeal.

1. Teaching consent. My son is a cuddly little thing, sometimes he asks first, but he often just dives right in and, let’s be honest, some people don’t like it. Let him loose in a playground and it’s often a case of Georgie Porgy (apart from my son kisses the girls and the boys). When that happens we talk about it and I explain that little Johnnie/ Jennie doesn’t want a cuddle. He can do other things like high fives, but they don’t always want that either. Of course this works both ways and if he doesn’t want to hug his uncle goodbye, he sure as shit doesn’t have to. As he gets older I’ll be talking about enthusiastic consent – if they don’t look interested then they probably aren’t!

2. Encouraging emotions. I’m not really sure how you would disallow a toddler to show their emotions, but still, I try to actively allow it. If he cries I let him get it all out. I don’t shush him, instead I let him have a wail. When he was just learning to speak he would often say ‘I cry’ and I would say yes and try to talk to him about it. As his language develops I’m able to delve a bit deeper but on a basic level I just want him to know from the start that it’s OK to cry and that it’s good to talk about why he gets upset. It seems to be helping him learn to calm himself down. Once he’s ready to stop crying he asks for a tissue, wipes his eyes and moves on.

3. Not using his gender as an excuse. Boys, it seems, can get away with more than girls when it comes to (mis-)behaviour. Some days when he’s, shall we say, energetic and causing mayhem, people tell me it’s cause he’s such a boy. I don’t think so. He can be like that one minute and spend the next five inquisitively looking at a friend’s baby in the pram and asking if she is happy or crying. I don’t let him think that because he’s a boy it’s expected for him to misbehave (no matter how much I would love a reprieve from parenting for a minute).

4. Encouraging his diverse interests. Most little ones love everything given half a chance, but as they get older they lose some of those interests as they are pushed into one corner. I never tell my son something is only for girls/boys. If he wants to play with his cars good on him. If he wants to play with his dolls’ house great. Neither one is better or worse. I introduce him to ‘girls’ toys (by that I mean the stuff the marketers say are for girls) because my son is unlikely to get given a book about fairies, or a doll for a present. When he is out of the home (nursery, play groups, friends meet ups) his ‘boyish’ interests are constantly commented on, whilst his ‘girlish’ interests are often overlooked. People aren’t deliberately trying to limit him; when they see him enjoying football they assume that’s where his interest lies. It makes sense because they hear day in day out how boys/men like football. But that’s not his only interest. I give him space to explore other interests so he can choose the ones he actually enjoys, rather than the ones society tells him he should enjoy.

5. Encouraging listening. OK, so I’ve had limited success on this one to date, but I’m working on it. It’s important for me that he understands other people’s points of view. I don’t want him to glibly talk over others and shun their opinions. And it’s not just about listening to words but also body language and noises.  So far, most of the time I’m getting him to hear that they are saying no!

6. Nurturing his nurturing side. One day if my son wants to be a dad I want him to know his shit. When he first got his dolly I showed him how to play with it. Now he loves feeding it, putting it on the potty and getting it ready for bed. And if he never has a child, well then he can change my adult diapers when I’m old and incontinent.

7. Helping with the housework. He’s been helping with this since before he was two – so far his tasks are putting the nappy in the nappy bin and dirty clothes in the basket, helping get clothes in an out of the washing machine, helping to tidy up and doing the sweeping. I don’t ask him to do it for mummy. It’s not a favour, it’s his responsibility and it will grow with him.

8. Encouraging him to be gentle and say sorry. We have lots of gentle hands in this house and when it does go wrong I don’t tell him to say sorry*, but if I hurt him I say sorry. If he hurts me I explain why I’m upset and what he did and ask how he can make it better. He often gives me a hug to make up. More recently when tempers fray and my voice starts to raise he tells me gently, “not loudly, mummy”. My favourite response of all is when in the face of an increasingly stressed mother, he calmly asks, “mummy want a cuddle?” He’s learning how to reset the mood and reconnect, and it works.

9. Teaching him to share. Of course everyone wants their child to share but there seems to be a rise in the idea of letting kids learn to share entirely on their own terms. Children are told that they can play with their toys because they are ‘theirs’; they are asked if they want to share and have the right to say no. In our home it’s not quite like that. The toys we have are in our house by luck. I don’t want my son to learn he has an entitlement to what he’s born in to. It doesn’t mean I always take something off him if he’s struggling to share it, but I also don’t automatically allow him to hog a toy for hours on end either.

10. Ensuring girls and women are visible within our home and outside. It really bugs me that the automatic gender we assign is male. Nine times out of ten – in books, in games, at pedestrian crossings – the character is male. To counteract this I prioritise books with female characters and I change the characters’ gender around in songs and story books. When we cross the road we wait for the green woman. As my son gets older I’ll introduce the idea of famous women – the amazing things they have achieved and been a part of, be that Marie Curie, Rosa Parks or Jessica Ennis – there’s plenty to choose from.

My son is a typical toddler, ignoring what I say, having meltdowns and grabbing things when it takes his fancy. I’m not saying these methods are miracle workers. However, I’m acutely aware he is growing and learning from everything around him and I’m making sure that (mummy meltdowns aside) as much as possible he’s learning from a feminist base. I’m sure even the mummy meltdowns are actually helpful in teaching him to understand and embrace emotions.

As a woman I deserve equal opportunities and I’m more than annoyed when I don’t get them. Equality is often interpreted as girls being allowed to do ‘boy’ things but that’s where it’s wrong. Until we recognise and value all the skills and experiences that have been encouraged in females for so many generations that they have become associated with females we will never have equality. Caring, listening, showing emotions, are all fab skills to have and I want my son, as well as any future daughters, to embrace them. Boys, as well as girls, need to be given equal opportunities and have similar expectations placed on them; from their interest in dolls, to their right to cry, and for their responsibility to help and not hurt others. I’m encouraging my son to believe he can grow to be exactly who he wants to be whilst also respecting everyone else’s right to be themselves too.

 

*Well, I’ll admit there is a caveat to this, sometimes I feel I have to tell him to say sorry when we are out and about for fear of annoying another parent/ it being the expected thing to do, but it’s not my ideal approach.

 

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If you liked this post you may also like my post on Colour Coding Children.