Motherhood: The Art Of Mothering

Mother –  it’s a word we hear and use nearly every single day. So what is mothering? Is there a way we all mother? Is there an art it? What shared experiences bring us together on our motherhood journey? Some of us go down the breastfeeding route, others bottle feed, some of us cry it out, others co-sleep, while many of us mix and match as best we can. It can often feel like an isolating experience as a mother, it’s so personal – our own life experiences and personalities inform our actions, as do our circumstances and the environment we live in. Is there anything that brings us together through motherhood?

Reflecting on my own experience as a mother and hearing from others, it seems the common thread weaving together our diverse and divergent experiences of mothering is not about how we mother – we all do that in so many different and wonderful ways. It’s not even how we affect our children – that will all depend on so many factors. The common thread is about how our children affect us.

Mothering is the art of letting go and allowing the push and pull of the pressures and wonders of motherhood to shape you; it is the process of evolving – every second of every day. It doesn’t matter whether you’re co-parenting, single parenting or something in between. It’s irrelevant if you have one child, twins or ten. It doesn’t matter if your children have additional needs or not. Mothering pushes you to your limit, and a little bit more. This constant, unwavering pushing of your limits alters you in mind, body and soul. It might be a messy, complicated process, but it’s something all mothers experience.

After each stretch, your limit expands, like a pair of stockings slowly, but surely, losing their original shape. Our limits pushed, and pushed until we don’t even remember our own starting point. How long can we bear to hear a defiant child scream, how long can we bear to breastfeed through the pain, how long can we cope worrying about our newborns’ weight gain and what mix of formula works best, how long can we cope on no sleep, how long can we comfort a baby in anguish, how long can we be patient with an emotional teenager? Although we may all have different lengths, they are all longer than we ever dared dream would be possible. Are we made so we never break? Many times I think I’ve broken, but somehow even through the darkest patches, there’s always more stretch left in me.

No matter where we start on this journey of mothering, no matter the route we take, there is only one way we go, in the direction our children want to lead us. We are still us, with our same interests and sense of humour, but we are also somehow different, stretched and pulled in unseen ways away from the glare of friends and family with those moments we spend alone or with our co-parent, listening, interacting, cajoling, caring, loving our children and in those moments though there be many elements of despair and frustration we are constantly evolving, constantly changing and learning to cope. Our children may not (yet) realise that they are our teachers; they may mistakenly think we are theirs, but the learning is reciprocal. They push us to be the parent they need. They push us to our extremes, and then beyond. It’s their way of showing us how to perfect the art of mothering.

It is only when you step back and ponder on where you were when you started this journey through motherhood that you realise quite how far you have come. If you don’t pay close attention you might miss that yesterday’s limit has been chipped away, and a new limit placed in its wake.  It is easy to focus on the pain you feel each time your child stretches your mothering muscle. It is a pain like no other. Sometimes, as you wake to the soft morning light, just grateful that you made it through, you don’t notice that you have woken slightly more limber and stronger than before. The pain of mothering which pushes you to the edge, threatening to undo you, is, ironically, the very thing which ultimately gives you the strength to rise again and again. It is the beautiful moments throughout motherhood that make us want to rise again and again. One moment of love, laughter or joy from our children can give us the energy to push ourselves beyond what we ever thought possible. Moments we can all share, no matter our backgrounds and experiences.

So fellow mothers, revel in perfecting your art of mothering. It is an art that causes pain and joy, often in equal measure. Luxuriate in letting go; letting go so you may be stretched outwards, letting go so you may be stretched upwards, letting go so you may be stretched in the direction of your child. The results are immense; soak in the splendor as you watch your child grow each and every day, and savour the beauty as their wings begin to spread out from your cocoon.

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