My counter tells me its been 4220 hours (or is it days???) since my little family of three went into lockdown. As restrictions have eased, things have become easier for many, but looking at social media tells you the difference in experiences of many this summer. Of course we aren’t still living in full lockdown, but I haven’t had nursery/ schooling in place for both kids simultaneously since 11th March and I’ve spent a good chunk of the time either socially isolating or socially isolated (spot the difference). Tomorrow that will all change as I face the nursery/school run for both kiddies and return to my day job.
Lockdown went down badly in our home. All three of us ill with suspected Covid-19 before Johnson shut the doors. Pulling myself out of the hole I entered during those days wasn’t plesant. I’ve strugged with my mental health for the past six years, but I’d been picking myself up (again) when lockdown knocked me – and much of the nation. Shouting, crying and spending days undressed became the norm in our house. There was other stuff happening behind the scenes during lockdown too which made it all the worse. There were days when I’d all but given up, my mind entered such a hideous place and it felt like many around me either didn’t give a shit or were making digs (that’s not everyone though I hasten to add). I think it’s impossible to explain to people who haven’t experienced that level of chaos in their brain just how bad the anxiety and negative voices get. But aside from a few, most people pulled away and it’s at that point that the spiralling becomes uncontrollable. Added to the mix was a whole host of other crazy assed shit like watching a man die and not being able to stop it despite trying and ending up in regular contact with the wife of the most wanted man in Britain and having the media taking their stab at the behind the scenes story. I can’t actually tell you how bonkers my brain went in those weeks/ months. But to be quite frank, my life was also a little bit bonkers so is it any wonder. (If you’ve no idea what I’m talking about, this gives a little insight).
When my eldest returned to school things got a little easier and I was able to enjoy some time with my littlest. When the summer holiday started, we even managed a few days away with a friend and her son to Clacton-on-Sea. The break was lovely and it was a bit of a bump to return home and isolate for a week. Even knowing it was just a week and having had the break with a friend the week before, it was still a struggle emotionally to have no human adult contact. No bloody wonder I’d lost the plot when we’d done that for weeks on end in full lockdown and when isolating for illness. Then we headed to my parents for a month thanks to a nice long Airbnb booking, where we essentially shielded (to protect them) bar me sneaking out for a few socially distanced meet ups with local friends.
I’ve not stayed with my parents for that long since I was about 19 and certainly never with my boys. It was full on and relaxing in a way I’d forgotten was even possible. Having others do the cooking (mainly my brother-in-law as he and my brother were also staying), knowing there were others in the house so I could escape and work with no fear that the boys weren’t being well looked after (apart from that one time littlest managed to flood the bathroom) and just having the quiet security of company at the dinner table which I’ve not experienced in years. I got on top of so many tasks, essays for my course and writing projects. And perhaps most importantly I had just that bit more energy to get through the pain of bedtime with two incessantly energetic kids when I hadn’t done it all alone all day too.
Over the month we reconnected and rested weary bones and tired souls. When I arrived I was convinced I had osteaporothis or arthritis, the pains in my joints were so constant. Now I realise it was just a dose of utter, utter exhaustion. The month at my parents the boys (on the whole) slept (most of the night) in their own bed. In their OWN room! Having space to stretch out and not be constantly kicked by small people has slowly helped to repair my body and mind.
Our family dynamics are always a little explosive so I won’t say there weren’t a lot of disagreements too (that’s the polite version), of course we have different ways of doing things and following others rules have never been my strong point let alone after six years of doing it my way! But overall my brain feels calmer after that month, and I’m starting to feel a little more grounded after a pretty intense and hard fall.
I’ve used the time to research different types of therapy and spoken with a therapist. Hopefully in a few weeks I’ll be starting a more solutions focused therapy which can help me heal from the trauma I’ve experienced. I’ve known for over a year that I desperately needed more therapy (I’d been having different approaches on and off for years) but I’ve not had the energy to start again with someone (bringing them up to speed with all the issues takes forever). Also, at times I’ve felt like I was getting back on top of things (my NY trip to Egypt put a bounce in my step) and perhaps if it weren’t for lockdown and some other stresses then I would have managed to pull myself up. But that wasn’t how the story went. So I’m looking for a solution that might strengthen my foundations so I’m not always fighting demons in my head. It’s not all just in my brain it should be said, without being dramatic, shit happens to me more than the average person it seems. Maybe that’s my warped depressive brain but if I wrote out a list I think you might tend to agree.
The impact of lockdown on top of my shaky being has been hideous and my thought patterns have scared me many, many times. It’s not things I’ve been able to share here, or anywhere really. But the fact I can now reference them and the fact I’ve lined up some support to address it and many of the underlying issues means I’m hopefully back on track.
It feels like the fog is finally lifting a little. Not to a place where everything is perfect but to a place where I can make some changes which in turn will make things smoother. I (think I) know what I need to do. I’ve set some things in motion to do it. Already I can feel my parenting improving – and really that’s the most important part. I’ve had time to not scream at my eldest quite so much as my brain hasn’t been a frazzled space of constant anxiety and things needing to be done but no space to get them done, and in that space we’ve been talking more. Which I love.
I’m making other changes too. After much on and off thinking over the last year or more, but especially in the last six months, I’ve put my place on the market. The upshot – I want somewhere a little quieter and with a strong sense of community around my home and children’s school. Yet I don’t want to leave the opportunities, culture or diversity of London. I think I’ve found the ideal place – a little further out. It’s incredibly scary, I’m placing a lot on this being part of the solution to some of my challenges and of course I might be totally wrong but I have to try and I do feel full of promise and excitement at the prospect of a start that’s new, but not so new I’m losing the positive links I have with people where I currently live (if you’re reading this, I’ll only be a short bike ride away!) Perhaps from the ashes of the depths of chaos and despair, comes a new beginning. A new incarnation which will be stronger and carry me through.
In the six days since our return home we’ve already had challenges to deal with. A broken hob and dishwasher (which haven’t in anyway been dealt with I should add), the emotional fall out from my ex separating from his second wife (this might sound odd to people who haven’t experienced divorce and mixed families, but trust me, there’s a lot of emotional fall out from this for me and my eldest) and of course it’s been a signal for my ex to bombard me with crap, and finally eldest and me woke up ill on Sunday (more so him) and I needed to sort Covid tests asap to ensure he could rejoin school tomorrow as planned (thanks to some super fast negative results they WILL both be off to nursery/ school tomorrow). The main thing is though, I’ve weathered these challenges OK. Let’s see if I can make it through the autumn term still keeping my head above water!
If you liked this you might enjoy reading my other posts on lockdown: the best bits, the worst bits, the impact of it all and why we are well placed to deal with it (though I stand entirely corrected on that initial assessment!).
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