Guest Post: When Do You Introduce Your Children to a New Partner?

Recently a friend began to date. I was a little surprised when she and the new boyfriend shared a couple pictures of themselves on Facebook, but even more so when a week later they started to post pictures of the two of them and his little girl.

It seems too soon to introduce a new woman to the little one, and really awfully soon for this public display of affection.

This is not the only person I know who’s done this. So I’ve been wondering, what’s with the hurry?

When I divorced from my ex, I looked for advice on all sort of topics, to learn how to ease the trauma on my child. These included dating again after divorce. It seems that the experts recommend to date someone for at least six months before introducing the new partner to the kids.

One could debate that six months barely can deem a relationship “serious”, but I guess that here we are just trying to come up with a sensible timeframe for a situation that is quite tangled. People are going to date sooner or later after divorce. Seeing the new person only when the kids are not around will only work for so long, and bottom line, many don’t even really think about the consequences of introducing a new person into an already complicated family dynamic.

Well, I’ve been thinking about consequences a lot. Personally, I’ve chosen to take some time for myself after divorce, and I just took it for granted that my ex-husband would do the same. After all, I was his third wife. But it didn’t work that way.

So, I’ve been single for three years. Maybe I fluttered my eyelashes at someone recently, who probably is not interested, and my reaction was pretty much… no reaction. I am very comfortable by myself, focusing of my child, and I’m much too old to have my feelings hurt by someone who doesn’t wink back, so to speak.

My ex instead has never been alone for too long. I should have known this time would have been no different. I heard rumors about him having flings immediately after we separated, but I didn’t think he would get involved with anything “serious”.

He did. 

After a few months, he introduced the new woman to our daughter. And their kids met. And the dog. And some family.

After my daughter talked to me about these people for a few times, I eventually decided it was time I sat down with my ex. At first, he was a little defensive, his position was along the line of: “What do you care? I can date who I want.” I made it clear that I’m not concerned about who he’s dating (oh, I am not!), but it is my right to be informed about who he brings around our daughter, and that we need to make some decisions together on the matter. He agreed.

Honestly, after that conversation, I realised the hopelessness of the situation. He is dating exclusively. The new woman, I’m told, is a decent person, and a mum herself. It’s as good as it gets, so what was I worried about?

Well, I’m still worried about my daughter. But I could not pinpoint the source of this worry for a few weeks. I analysed the situation relentlessly. I knew I was not jealous of my ex, so what was it? Simply possessiveness towards my daughter? I just didn’t want another woman around her? If so, wasn’t this solely my problem? 

Finally I figured it out. The relationship between a child and the new girlfriend/boyfriend will only last as long as the relationship of this person with his mum/dad will last.

Rare are the occasions when a stepmum or stepdad become such an important part of the child’s life that their bond survives the break-up with the parent. So basically, your child is likely to go through another loss, as if the trauma of the recent divorce wasn’t enough.

Your kids might have started to see the new person as an additional family member (and isn’t that the idea after all?), as another caregiver, and once again – puff – that reference point in their life vanishes.

And what if dating moves to the next step? What if the new partner moves in or becomes the new wife/husband? More problems arise here. Is the new spouse also going to parent the children? Should the kids be forced into accepting that the new spouse has now the right to parent them? Is this healthy?

From an ex-wife and mum’s perspective, I think I already have enough issues juggling with different rules between my household and my ex’s. Often my daughter’s protests (“but daddy lets me stay up late!”), are easily managed with “Mummy and daddy might do things differently, but we are both your parents, please listen to us both”. But when the new spouse comes in the picture? I would have a very hard time with someone – a stranger – who undermines my authority.

Because, put it how you want, but a new spouse is not, never will be, and never should be a parent’s replacement. Unless the biological parent is not in the child’s life, and that is a different chapter.

I understand that nobody can predict how long a relationship will last.

However, if past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, maybe here comes help.

For example, not only my ex is three times divorced, but he has had a long list of “serious” relationships in between. None of his relationships/marriages have lasted for longer than three years. As a former wife, I know exactly why. You will just have to take my word for it, and believe me when I say that this new woman will be no exception to the rule. She will not last. So my child has about another two years ahead of her to warm up to this person, and her kids and her dog, before she suffers another loss.

Being a mum, it is only natural that I’m bothered by this. A lot.

I’m afraid that there is no solution to the issue. A few days ago I posted a question on a mums’ group, and while the majority agreed that they felt protective of their kids and worried about the consequences of a relationship first and a break up later, those who were dating men with kids were reclaiming their right to spend time with their partners without being limited by his visitation days.

Of course, you can switch mum/dad in all I said above. This applies to men and women equally. I’m just talking from my perspective.

Let’s just say that, man or woman, you should be very careful about who you bring around your kids, and not just in making sure that the new person is not some sort of criminal, but also thoroughly considering the emotional consequences of people coming and going in your child’s life.

In my opinion, the six-month rule isn’t good enough. I’d recommend to wait until you see a future for you and the new person. And then think some more.

What do you think?