Content warning…. Talks about pain, depression and suicidal thoughts.
It’s suicide prevention awareness week, or it was. I’ve been aware of it out there but I’ve not been with it enough to say anything. And no doubt I’m still not. But something needs to be said given we keep hearing how depression and mental health concerns have sky rocketed with lockdown and this clearly isn’t a quick fix situation. Things will get worse before they get better.
So I want to say something. But it’s hard putting it out there. I know some people who care, really care about me, will hate to read this. And to those I’m sorry. But somehow every year when there are these campaigns (more so depression/ mental health awareness but they’re inextricably linked), I’m shocked by the platitudes of sharing kindly memes and blanket statements, only to watch people go about their daily business with little regard to any of what those campaigns say. Perhaps it’s because those campaigns are sanitised down to a three second sound bite, or airbrushed until they don’t contain any of the reality behind the original emotions. Who knows. But somehow it seems we’re all talking about mental health but noone is really listening.
Last night as I lay my head down finally, it was 00.44am. I was exhausted, but the kids had only slept after 10pm and I had jobs I couldn’t put off any longer given I’d been collapsing with them every night for the past couple of weeks. I’d come back from the summer holidays, if not with a spring in my step, with it lightened a little. But a challenging return to work/school/nursery and a dose of some horrid virus and that semi spring was deadened. My first work meeting, I mean literally, before any catch up/how are you/ welcome back from furlough jazz, was to announce an upcoming consultation for redundancies in my team. The house move looks like it’s just a pipe dream I’ll struggle to pull off thanks to the place is offered on going to someone else and noone showing signs of offering on mine. To top it off, last night I saw my ex which is always a recipe for upset and overboiled emotions.
But back to the laying my head down. As I laid it down, internally I whispered five little words that I’ve heard more than those three little words in the last six years; I wish I were dead. Listen to that again. As a curled up and hugged my six year old son, I wished, inside my head I were dead. It was an exhausted wish. A wish with no strength or courage, and certainly no get up and go. (What I’m saying is, there’s no intention behind that thought). There’s been times when there was intention. And there’s been times when the feeling was constant and strong but still with no intention. (So what I’m saying is this is the lowest level suicidal thoughts I’ve had so please don’t worry). But the thought was there.
When I mutter those words in my head, do you think I want to be gone from a world that gives me sun and life and laughter? Do you think I want to be gone from cuddling my baby? Do you think I want to be gone from listening to the amazement in my child’s eyes as he tells me a story?
No. I don’t want to be gone from that. No fucking way.
What I really mean. What a lot of people really mean when they think that, is, I want this pain to be gone.
My pain comes from different places. There’s still a big part connected to my ex. The one I saw last night. I don’t know how you ever get over seeing the man you once loved looking like a shell of a human. Unable to care for himself, really care. I just don’t know how you do it. I’ve never met anyone who’s done it. I’ve never read a blog post on how you do it. I just don’t know how it’s done.
Then there’s another layer of grief from the death of my ex (pre-marriage) who passed away two years ago. That pain is kind of constant. Though I guess I only cry for him every few days to a week nowadays so you could say it’s getting easier. It’s certainly easier to box up and keep it out of the way. My most unwanted party trick ever.
On top of this pain there’s the anxiety which really is just another kind of pain. The anxiety which means I’m nearly constantly petrified of some thing or other being wrong or going wrong (the health and development of me and my boys the main issue). Then on top of THAT, is the belief that because some people haven’t been there for me (being objective, not lots of people, just a few people really, but people who meant a lot), because they walked away, I’ve convinced myself I’m a bad person/ not interesting or some other such bull shit.
So that’s the basis for this pain. But I’m going on about me and this is about you.
So this week (or last week, or whichever fucking week it is), is about preventing suicide. So if suicide thoughts (which are often a step towards suicide attempts) come from a desire to end pain and pain is – as I’ve tried to outline above – complex and multifaceted and not easy to pop in a box and tie away with a fancy bow and pain can be near constant. And if pain can, as soon as you allow your brain to relax a little even if it’s nearly 1am and you’re desperate to sleep, still rear its ugly head and tell you to say those words to yourself. The last words you’ll hear that night, or often any night. Even if you have no intention of acting on them (and I have below zero intention of acting on them), if wanting to end it, is really wanting to end the pain – to stop the constant fucking pain – what then can others do to help with that pain? And in turn those suicidal thoughts?
This is my take on what others can do. Though I will also caveat this with, I only know me and the inside of my brain. If you need to know more about suicide prevention please don’t stop here. Please read other views and stories and don’t take this is gospel, others might strongly disagree.
First up, understand this pain exists. Understand that people who want to die aren’t constantly sad and low and depressed. They have happy moments too. Moments of distraction from that pain. Moments when the pain loosens its grip. Moments when it floats off into the air. It’s just that the saddness, lowness and depression is sometimes too often, and often too much. That is when these thoughts of wanting it gone for good escape. You must understand this as pain like any other physical pain too, it can’t be removed with some gratitude and positive thinking just like you can’t unthink a broken bone.
Second up, look for that pain. Prod it and pinch it and pull it out of the other person becuase the oldest cliché in the book is by far the best; a problem shared is a problem halved. Someone feeling really low is unlikely to “reach out”; you need to reach in. You need to look for signs and hints and indicators that friends and loved ones aren’t ok. It’s hard work. Don’t ever think it’s not.
Third up, don’t actually think you need to solve the problem. Ok, sometimes practical help is very much useful. But often, with pain, it just needs to be shared. Literally that is all. When you see a social media post about someone struggling, you don’t need to tell them it’s ok. You don’t need to put a positive spin on it. Do you know how that sounds to someone in agony (and the pain is often agony)? It sounds like you haven’t really listened. It sounds like you don’t get it. Worst case scenario, it sounds like you just don’t care; you don’t have the energy to deal with the pain (cause trust me, pain takes effort to deal with), so you want to squash it down. Believe me, we ALL want to do that. But often the pain grew this big cause we were so busy trying to get on and keep going and squashing it down (unsuccessfully) that it managed to grow uncontrollably in the dark, damp, conditions like an algae you wish you’d never seen before.
Fourthly, go back to the beginning and try again. Keep trying. Keep being there for this person. You don’t need to do anything magic once you reach them. You don’t need to make the pain go away. You can’t do that no matter how much you’d love to. No matter how much we’d all love to. You just need to hold them while they allow that pain to be felt. And in holding them you will have lightened the load a little too.