Hypnobirthing affirmations – you either love them or you hate them. This is in no way meant to disrespect those who found hypnobirthing an amazing tool for pregnancy and birth. I’ve heard the stories of babies birthed at home because the mother thought she was only having a few braxton hicks, what with it just being the most joyous occasion ever. I get that it can be transformative and it sounds like a wonderful thing. It’s just something that my practical mind finds hard to fully embrace, and – OK… yes, I am a little jealous of the serene birth stories if truth be told.
I should admit that I’ve never done an actual hypnobirthing course (have you seen their fees?). However, I did read a book and listen to some podcasts so I’m *practically* an expert in hypnobirthing affirmations and visualisations. I’ve gathered some of my favourites together for you. The only problem is that, not being new to this birth malarky, there’s a little voice in my head that keeps translating them into reality – I like to call them realmations.
For full effect read the affirmations in a slow, calm voice (as intended) and the realmations in a slightly unhinged, panicked voice (as you tend to become during birth).
Affirmation: I progress through this pregnancy with confidence and trust that my baby will arrive safely and swiftly
Realmation: I progress through this pregnancy, one anxiety filled day at a time, worrying about every twinge, change of symptom and weird discharge, unable to think past the next day let alone imagine a baby’s arrival for fear that I tempt fate
Affirmation: My partner is a supportive individual who will tend to my every need during the birth and in the early days of motherhood
Realmation: My partner fucked off after the first baby was born, I’ve given up on men and this one came from a donor who – unless he microchipped that shit – has no idea whose uterus his gear ended up in
Affirmation: I look forward to my baby’s birth
Realmation: I crap my pants that my four year old will be a nightmare once I have a newborn and I have no freaking idea how I will cope with two children solo
Affirmation: As my baby grows inside me so does my love for it
Realmation: As my baby grows inside me so do my bloody stretch marks and my need to urinate every hour
Affirmation: I eat healthily for me and my baby
Realmation: I limit myself to one can of diet coke (usually) and a bag of haribo a day (well, the coke is sugar free after all). Oh, and some chocolate but that doesn’t really count
Affirmation: I feel my baby move inside me and the love and connection grows between us
Realmation: I feel my baby move inside me and it feels like a fucking alien
Affirmation: I am calm and relaxed throughout my pregnancy as I wait to welcome my baby
Affirmation: My body is designed to birth easily and efficiently
Realmation: No it’s fucking not or I’d have a bucket sized vagina down there
Affirmation: My mind is relaxed; my body is relaxed
Realmation: My mind has turned to mush; my body is in agony
Affirmation: As the baby moves inside me…
Realmation: Shit, the baby isn’t moving inside me. When did I even last feel it move? Why don’t I pay more attention? Quick drink some cold water to check it’s OK in there
Affirmation: I am planning a home birth where I can be surrounded by the calm and loving environment I’ve created in my room and my womb
Realmation: No freaking chance am I birthing this baby at home. I have a mouse infestation that no amount of poison seems to touch, the floor is covered in crap and there’s no-way I want to have to clear up after all *that*.
Affirmation: I trust my instincts, nature and my body to guide me through birth
Realmation: I trust drugs, midwives and – if necessary – all forms of medical intervention to pull this thing out of me
Affirmation: My muscles work in harmony for an easy birth
Realmation: My muscles have gone to shit thanks to all this bloody relaxin hormone and I have no idea how I will even stand or squat for more than half an hour when this shit starts to go down
Affirmation: With every breath, I breathe in energy from my baby and use that strength to birth them serenely
Realmation: With every breath my exhaustion level increases until I almost collapse on the floor
Affirmation: Each surge reminds me I will soon be holding my baby
Realmation: Each surge reminds me to buy a bigger pack of condoms next time and avoid nurses coming at me with syringes full of fucking sperm
Affirmation: My baby moves calmly and easily down inside me
Realmation: Have you seen the size of a newborn baby?…that’s like expecting an overweight santa to fit down a fucking drain pipe. I don’t think so buddy
Affirmation: As my labour progresses my body relaxes and….
Realmation: I shit myself
Affirmation: I meet each surge only with my breath
Realmation: I meet each surge CONTRACTION – it’s called a contraction – with a rather loud “fuck”
Affirmation: My baby passes swiftly into the world
Realmation: I pass out as my baby swiftly enters the world and my vagina rips apart
Affirmation: I welcome my baby into the world serenely and with love
Realmation: “Oh my god it’s a fucking baby, it’s MY fucking baby” – me on the arrival of baby number one
Affirmation: Once my baby is born my blood vessels will close to the correct degree
Realmation: What the fuck, how to I visualise that…. I’m not a biology major
Affirmation: I welcome my baby with love and delight
Realmation: I welcome my baby with fear, uncertainty and exhaustion
Affirmation: I have plenty of milk for my baby
Realmation: I try to syringe some gunky yellow shit out of my boob and force it down my newborns mouth
Affirmation: I nourish my baby on the outside, just as I did when they were in my womb
Realmation: I lie to the midwife about the length of time the baby’s latched on for in the hope I can get out of this hell hole that is the labour ward and collapse in peace at home
Anyone else got a favourite affirmations they’d like to share???
You can keep up to date with my latest blog posts by subscribing online at Ellamental Mama, or liking me on facebook. You can also follow me on twitter @EllamentalMama