My Response To Mayim Bialik on Divorce

As a divorced single mum, I make a bee-line for any blogs or vlogs out there that talk about single parenting and divorce from a mums perspective. Recently one of Mayim Bialik’s vlogs has been doing the rounds. It’s a piece about divorce, and how she co-parents with her ex. Now, I think it’s great when co-parenting works, and it sounds like Mayim and her ex are doing an incredible job of managing what, we all know, is a highly complex relationship. As a divorced single mum, though, I have some issues with her words; those she speaks and those that hang between the lines.

Mayim begins by posing the question what does it mean, “to create the the healthiest possible environment for children in the context of divorce?” She continues to answer this question. “Number one, we do things together.” Mayim talks about how being together for significant events is, “literally what’s most important.” I get that it’s the most important thing, from her perspective, but perspectives differ based on your starting point; spending time together as a family is, most likely, only the most important thing once you have the basics sorted. If one parent is not stable, or they are unable to take responsibility for their child, then any contact, let alone prolonged contact, can be the worst thing for them.

Then comes the part in Mayim’s vlog that makes me cringe, maybe that’s my issue and her words are perfectly justified – after all she can only talk from her perspective. Mayim raises the rhetorical question, “Is it always perfect and exactly what I want? Of course not.” These words make me feel like somewhere between those lines is an insinuation that if you don’t succeed in creating a functioning co-parenting relationship, you didn’t try hard enough. I am not trying to belittle what Mayim and her partner have achieved. I have no doubt that Mayim (and her ex) have had to go through many, many moments of selflessness (like all parents do) to ensure their co-parenting works. However, whilst on one level it might not be what she wants, on another level it is entirely what Mayim (and her ex) wants; Mayim wants her children to be given the best possible childhood and she believes that spending time as a family provides that. I am sure, in many, many contexts that is indeed the best thing for children and I’m genuinely happy that Mayim is able to provide this environment for hers. There is another story though.

Whilst many couples nurture positive co-parenting relationships after divorce, there are also many other divorce-contexts out there. Contexts where hanging out as a family is not the best solution. All of us want our children to have the best possible childhood we can give them. Most of us would, ideally, like a positive co-parenting relationship (or even just a bearable one) but it’s not that simple. It makes me shudder to think that people may take from Mayim’s message the notion that those of us who aren’t able to “do things together” are selfish, that we have given up because it’s not exactly what we want. Or we have thrown in the towel because our ex “annoys” us. Like you Mayim, we “have to put them [the children] first”, only sometimes that means the exact opposite of what it means in another family. Many of us are trying to create, “the healthiest possible environment for children in the context of divorce” without the support and involvement of our ex. Or, and this may possibly be even harder still, we are trying to do it with the intermittent, even inconsistent and often challenging input from our ex. In such situations spending family holidays together would be beyond traumatic for all involved.

Mayim ends by talking about being “tremendously grateful” for her ex. She is tremendously grateful because essentially, he has acted like a responsible father, putting their children to bed each night, reading them stories, tucking them up. I don’t, in principle, have an issue with one parent being grateful that the other one is pulling their weight, however it somehow comes across as another example of the patronising double standards we hold for men when it comes to raising their children (whether they are in a relationship with the mother of their children, or not). I mean, someone has to put them to bed right? Should we only be tremendously grateful when it’s the dad doing it, not the mother? Or is it only single dads that get this accolade? Do divorced ‘working dads’ feel incredibly grateful for their ex-wife putting their kids to bed every night? I’m pretty sure they should be incredibly grateful, some might even say it out loud (and good on them), but it’s not something single mums get much public praise for. On the surface we are doing this work for our children, to give them the best life we can, but in reality we are also taking on the responsibility of the other parent, doing their duties day in and day out. Perhaps if Mayim had acknowledged the millions of women around the globe who also do the daily bedtimes, this would have helped to soften the blow for us single-mums who feel, at best, a little under-appreciated and, at worst, completely unseen and misunderstood.

If you are one of those mums, or dads, who is solo-parenting and has found, that despite trying beyond all else to create a positive co-parenting relationship with your ex, it’s just not possible, then remember these wise words. Sometimes less is more; the love and consistency of one parent is more important than having a highly involved, yet damaging second parent. Everything stems from that love. That is, literally, the most important thing.

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If you liked this post, you might also like Why My Divorce Is a Sign of Strength, Not Failure

Support

If you’re experiencing challenges in your relationship you can contact Relate – The Relationship People for support and advice.

Women’s Aid are the key charity in the UK providing support to people experiencing physical, sexual or emotional abuse in their homes.

The Children’s Legal Centre can provide free advice on family law. Gingerbread can help with advice and local groups if you’re a single parent. Divorced Moms is a supportive online community where you can hear about others stories and access resources.