On Thursday night I learned that we are coming to the end of suicide prevention, as well as pre- and post-natal depression awareness, week. I wanted – no needed – to write something. I had to share my thoughts on this topic. A topic which I never imagined I would have any insight into, but have somehow found myself in a place where I know far too much. I couldn’t sleep because the urge to write was too intense, so here I am at 2am tapping away on my laptop in bed.
I started to write a blog post on suicide. To write about how just the other day, with tears streaming down my face I described to an NHS counselling assessor about my own thoughts on suicide. Specifically how I thought about committing suicide, I started to write it in a level of detail that wouldn’t help anyone and was, quite frankly, kind of disturbing*. Telling you about that would not help me, it would not help you and it certainly wouldn’t help that friend you haven’t spoken to in ages and last you heard she was going through it pretty bad. So instead I decided to pen some thoughts that might be useful. Some ‘tips’, shall we call them, on how to support a friend who is struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts. Or indeed, just a friend who you *think* may be struggling, because let’s be honest, we don’t very often know what is going on in other people’s heads and the inside can tell a very different story to the outside.
Now, I must of course put in a big caveat here – I am no suicide prevention expert. I repeat. I AM NO EXPERT. If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please, please try and find a way to reach out. This shit hurts. It hurts like hell and no-one can, or should, have to go through it alone. Please don’t try.
I hope that these suggestions can help even just one reader to reach out to a loved one, or an old friend who is having thoughts of suicide. Without friends and family to hold us up as we fall, we will never reach safe ground. So for what it’s worth, here’s my thoughts on how to help.
Listen. I mean really listen. Ask the odd question, nod quietly along. But basically just shut the fuck up and listen. Focus on them, not their sister, the dog or their kids, only them. It’s beyond hard to admit when things are falling apart and often we don’t need advice or logical plans. The time for plans and actions will come but first, go back to the start and LISTEN. Noone is going to talk about this shit straight off the bat, it takes time to build up to. Give them that time.
Get stuck in. Whatever situation the person is in, get in there and help out. Don’t suggest going round with home baked cookies, bake the fucking cookies and knock on the damn door. You will have no idea what is going on if you don’t go and see for yourself. I’ll never forget the look on one of my friends’ face when she came over unannounced (I thought it was the postie or I’d never have bloody answered); she took one look at the place: me, unshowered, in dressing gown, curtains closed, house beyond a disaster zone (it was around 3pm), and I can’t even tell you what little man was up to at that point (no, really I can’t, I don’t even remember). Her eyes scanned around, quickly assessing the devastation in front of her and then she whispered those three magic words – what’s going on? And I told her. Simple as that. It was such a relief to speak.
Don’t forget. When shit happens to people – chronic illness, miscarriage, child death, divorce, single parenting, infertility, parental loss, abuse, pre/post-natal depression (I could go on) – that shit doesn’t just go away. It doesn’t just get better because they shut up about it. Or because it ‘ended’. Often that shit is getting worse. Go back to point 1 and 2 again, and repeat. Ad infinitum.
Forgive them. I’m sure I’m a shit friend. I think pretty much everyone is against me at the moment. My head often feels like it’s going to explode – I can’t even plan what to do that afternoon let alone in a week’s time. This means I find it pretty hard to remember key life events in my friends lives, I’m sorry. It’s truly not that I don’t care. Once you feel like no-one really gives a shit it’s hard to be proactive at keeping in touch. Not in a vindictive, ‘well I’m not asking if she doesn’t’ way, not at all. It’s just that I think I’ll be getting in the way if I do get in touch – after all who wants to hear from me? Who wants to know how crap my day was? I hope that one day I wake up and realise how wrong I was. If that day comes please forgive me. Until then, please forgive me.
Hold their hand. Life is hard. Fucking hard as it turns out. Sometimes all the shit things seem to come at once and finding a way out of that is hard (we need a new word here guys but I really can’t find the right one). Especially if you don’t have a partner/ best friend close by to support you through it. Don’t question if you can or should be that friend or not. Just be it. You are not intruding. You are allowed to care. You are allowed to ask. You are allowed to help. You can never have enough people to help you thought this shit. And many people have no-one, regardless of how it may seem from the outside. Sure we may push you away subtly or not so subtly, but it’s a test. We genuinely believe we’re a burden and no-one cares, if that’s not the case then please just grab our hand and never let go.
Be brave. Step up. Ask. Listen. Hold.
If you do one thing this week then share a story – your story, this story, any story. Let’s help people to realise quite how widespread these feelings are because if there is anything I’ve learnt over the last few years it’s that there people out there going through hell.
Support
If you ever feel suicidal or need someone to talk to the Samaritans are there to assist in the UK. You can call them on 116 123. They are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Their website is: www.samaritans.org
If you are concerned that you or a loved one is suffering from post-natal depression NHS Choices provides some useful information on this. In the UK health visitors and doctors can provide support for mothers facing pre- and post-natal depression.
And please, remember you are loved. You may not feel it, you may not even realise it, but you are.
*If you really are interested in knowing more about how it feels going through these kind of emotions I’ve written about it here and here.