Sperm Bank Adverts and Online Dating: The Similarities and Differences

I’ve learnt a lot since I started on my journey of becoming a solo mum by choice. Sperm bank websites might not traditionally be held up as key cultural reference points, but an alien from outer space could find worst places to learn about a country’s cultural norms than checking out their biggest sperm bank. Whilst the Brits go for short and simple profiles containing the briefest of facts about the donors, the Americans promote the men behind the sperm like real ale at a beer festival. In fact, the more I searched these online sperm banks, the more I realised quite how much they have in common with dating sites.

1. Ridiculous profile names. I have a stupid name on my dating profile. Everyone does. Don’t they? The Americans are the best at sperm bank profile names. As a Brit though, some of them make me want to run a mile though. Just like I don’t want to date Mr Nobo from the dating site (I kid you not that was his actual profile name), I also don’t want Mister Boundless Energy to be the (ener)genetic donor of my child – I already have one nightmare toddler to take care of, it sounds like any kid from him would be more than a handful.

2. You have to pay to read the good stuff. Isn’t anything free anymore? I remember the good old days when boys were willing to give away their sperm behind the bike shed for nowt. Now you can’t even learn about what degree mister potential baby donor has without parting with your hard earned cash. If in doubt though, assume media studies or business administration. It seems to be all the rage amongst sperm donors. I’ve spent more than I care to admit on both online dating sites and sperm banks in the last couple of years. God knows what the bank manager thinks of me.

3. They’ve gone all digital. When OKC copied tinder with their swipe right app I realised any chance I had of pulling people in with my great banter and witty sense of humour was all gone. Now one of the UK’s biggest sperm banks has developed a sperm donor swiping app. While some consider this controversial, I think it’s great. Sometimes less really is more. The short, to the point, British approach is easier to swallow (not that you have to do any of that if you’re using a sperm bank). Add a simple swipe right app and I’m all for it. Solo mums (to be) don’t have time to trawl through pages of profiles, we want to find a suitable donor whilst we are our lunch break – time is of the essence, that’s half the reason why we are here.

4. The photos are totally out of date. If I’m honest, most of my online dating photos are around five years old, but the sperm bank sites take it one step further – baby photos only. The only problem is that pretty much all babies are cute. How are you supposed to rank the potential donors on those? There are some USA sites that have a fab feature which tells you which celebrity the sperm donor looks like. They usually give about three celebrities per donor – none of whom look anything alike so I’m assuming this feature is about as realistic as my profile picture. Oh and don’t forget you’ll have to part with your hard-earned cash if you want to actually see these photos (see point 2).

5. It’s an emotional minefield. OK, enough with the funny stuff. When you’re fast approaching forty the last two places you probably want to spend your evenings are trawling through a dating site or sperm bank website (unless you’re a Daily Mail journalist and you’re just there to gather offensive content for an anti single/solo mums piece). When the chat with my single mum friends turns to ‘best dating app available’ my stock answer is “they are all just different ways of being rejected”. You have to keep moving round them one by one to keep your spirits alive. Although you can’t get rejected by a sperm donor in quite the same way, there’s still a lot of disappointment. I found a few ‘perfect’ matches who I set my heart on, only to later find out that they weren’t suitable for the UK or they had sold out, etc, etc. If you want to give online dating or sperm banks a real go you need to be ready to withstand the emotional rollercoaster of good dates and bad, as well as perfect genetic stock covered in sold out signs.

There is however one key difference between a sperm bank website and a dating site; success with a sperm bank site guarantees you no dates or sex for at least three years, but oodles of love. Meanwhile, an online dating site can secure you numerous dates and as much sex as you could wish for (assuming your standards are, shall we say, flexible), but the love part seems rather more elusive. At the end of the day though, if either site works out, it will all have been worth the heartache in the end.

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This post is part of my single mum by choice series. You can read all about it here:

• Thinking about becoming a single mum by choice
• Deciding to become a single mum by choice
• Choosing a Clinic
• Single mum by choice: The Process
• Fertility Treatment Implications Counselling
• Choosing a Sperm Donor
• Preparing for insemination
• Booking the IUI appointment
• IUI insemination day
• Solo Mum Waiting To Take a Pregnancy Test
• Still Waiting To Take The Pregnancy Test
• Trying Again: Donor Conception
• Planning Fertility Treatment: The Wobble
• Planning Your Second Round of Fertility Treatment
• Fertility Treatment the Second Go
• Fertility Treatment Failure: Third Time Unlucky
• Fertility Treatment Round Four – Is This The One?
• When Fertility Treatment Fails
• Solo Mum By Choice: Attempt Number Six