We probably all know someone who is divorced and no doubt we think it sounds sad and difficult, especially where kids are involved, but what does it actually feel like? Here is my take, as a divorced mum of a toddler.
1. I feel like a fool. How could I have made such a bad decision? How could I have misjudged a man so badly (my divorce has not ended on amicable terms as you may have guessed)? How could I have missed so many signs of being in a bad relationship? How could I have got it so very wrong? The Separation gives you a bit of an insight into why, but I still feel foolish. I go back and question everything about my ex and it makes me feel like I’ll never trust my own judgement again. Failing at one of the most important relationships of all, feels like one of the biggest failures of all.
2. I have a sense of freedom. Freedom from the unhappiness of my relationship, freedom from the chaos that my life became with him in it, and freedom from the associated fear. I’m not sure I can make the most of that freedom yet. But I’m sure glad it’s here.
3. I feel hopeless about my future. At first my new found freedom brought a sense of hope, but it didn’t last long. Everything came crashing down and the lack of hope for a future I imagined, and so very much want, often overwhelms me.
4. I’m sad for losing the person I loved. No, he didn’t die. Not in the conventional sense. But he is gone. That person I loved. Perhaps he never really existed. Sometimes it feels like a death would have given me more closure and a reason for why he disappeared. Instead I have so many questions that really have no answers.
5. I’m angry. For so many things; towards my ex for not putting our son, or us, first; towards friends and family who’ve not been there to support me; towards myself for getting in this situation and for not getting out sooner. Regardless of who I feel angry towards though, more often than not the recipient of that anger is me. I turn it on myself and it eats away at me.
6. I feel guilty for my son. For not giving him a loving two parent home. For putting him through so much pain in his first years. For not ensuring he had a great dad to bring him up. For not giving him a sibling (or certainly not one with the same father). The list goes on.
7. I feel fear at the lack of financial stability. Not just now, while I’m healthy and working, but throughout my life, whatever that brings. The pressure of managing it all alone sometimes feels like it will be too much, if it was just me it would be fine, but it’s not just me. I spend so very little on him at the moment (thanks to hand-me-downs and freecycle) but some day that won’t work and I don’t even know where the money will come from. Pensions scare the hell out of me. I’ve halved my earning capacities by going part-time, and working full-time just wouldn’t work financially or emotionally.
8. I’ve stopped caring about the small stuff. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. No doubt it’s a protection mechanism and stops me taking on more stress than I can cope with. But it can make it hard to join in with general chit chat. Making conversations about babies/ toddlers development is hard when I’m barely paying attention to the small details in my life, but rather feeling overwhelmed by the big picture problems.
9. I don’t know how to have a functioning relationship. It’s only once you’re out of a relationship that you realise how dysfunctional it was. When I see a couple at the bus stop chatting and putting their arms round each other I cannot comprehend how that would happen to me. What would I say? How are they so loving? Was I ever like that? I guess this is why it’s so hard to imagine meeting someone new.
10. I feel like I don’t belong. It’s an altogether new level of loneliness. Being married was the only time I truly felt like I belonging with someone and it was such a messed up sort of belonging I now realise I don’t even know the meaning of the word. I cry for my home, but I don’t even know where that is.
11. Life feels relentless. I have so much to deal with – connected to the divorce, connected to being a single mum and just connected to living. It’s feels never ending and sometimes it takes the smallest of things to trigger an outburst.
12. I miss planning things. I used to love planning and organising things, and since being divorced I do so much less of it. It’s not the same to plan for a future that you didn’t want. And when I do try to plan for the big things in life… should I move, should I change jobs…, it becomes so overwhelming. I feel the weight of the decision bearing down upon my shoulders, and I’ve lost a hell of a lot of faith in my decisions of late.
13. I’m struggling with the tight rope of acceptance. It’s a hard balance to get right – accept too much of where I am now, and I may not have the motivation to change it. Accept too little and I may never come to terms with my new reality. At the moment I veer from side to side violently.
14. I am exhausted by all the emotions. You just need to look at this list to see the confusion and chaos of all the emotions divorce can bring. These emotions and the relentlessness of life are exhausting. Add in a sleep-thieving toddler and I’m melt-down central nearly every other day.
It’s a depressing list and I’m writing this after struggling with these emotions day in day out for almost two years, but I know that they won’t last forever. I hope the joy from the freedom I’ve re-gained will take over in time. I believe that my hope for a future will return. There will be something better round the corner. I just don’t know how long that corner is yet. One day I will be able to write about that. One day I will be able to write about the journey of how I got there, but for now, this is my reality of how my divorce makes me feel. And, sadly, I’m sure it’s a reality many women (and no doubt men) recognise, but so few of us actually talk about, and even less so with people who haven’t gone through similar experiences.
Support
If you are going through a similar set of emotions all I can say is, I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re in this place, but know that, however it might feel, you aren’t alone.
If you liked this post, you might also like this one on the Reality of being a Single Mum.
Gingerbread can help with advice and local groups for single parents. Divorced Moms is a supportive online community where you can hear about others’ stories and access resources.
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