The Worst Bits of Lockdown As A Single Parent

I told you about the best bits, now here’s the worst. Everyone’s ‘worst’ will differ, but I’m sure we can all relate to many parts of this current situation being crappy and I appreciate that in the grand scheme of things my situation really isn’t so bad. Many of these challenges are the flip sides of the positives. Just as much as I’m loving cuddles with my littlest, I’d really love some time with him NOT attached to me. This is different to ‘normal’ stay at home parenting, this is different to lockdown with a partner, or without children. This is the reality of the worst bits of lockdown living with kids as a solo mum and it’s bloody tough. I don’t think there’s been a day when I’ve not cried in the last eight weeks.

Shutting Everyone Out

I mean that’s what we’re being asked to do physcially but I’ve had almost no time to engage in Zoom socials or phone calls and when things have been really bad I’ve not wanted to engage anyway. Connections are crucial for our mental health and I can’t imagine this isolation has helped. What’s more, I’m worried what it will mean for lifting – I’ll need to learn to open up again and it’s hard when it feels like it often results in let downs and disappointments.  

Exhaustion So much exhaustion, so little sleep

My youngest seems to be sleeping less, no doubt due to the decrease in stimulation and physical activity. The six year old manages to burn the equivalent calories of running a marathon even when ‘sitting’ watching telly so there’s not such a change there. In the morning while the eldest takes himself off to the telly, the toddler often cries and cries until I take him downstairs. Then it’s non-stop from there.

Every evening my body physically aches with exhaustion. I think some of it is connected to having been ill at the start (suspected Covid) and it took a long time to get fully right again. But even eight weeks later I’m still exhausted mentally and physically from being constantly with my kids. It’s entirely different to ‘normal’ circumstances.

I have flitted between falling asleep with my boys to sneaking out of bed after 10pm when they usually finally go down just to get some ‘me time’ only to find myself not crawling back to join them till the early hours, or worse still returning and being unable to switch off and sleep. Someone always wakes up at least a couple of times a night and the eldest is up first at around 7am.  I have lockdown brain and often can’t remember words – much to my son’s amusement as I try to find an alternative for carrot (long orange thing).

The Aches and Pains

I don’t normally suffer from headaches but during lockdown I’ve had a fair few which are borderline migranes and it sucks. I’ve suffered back aches from all the constant carrying and picking up of small people and stuff. And I’ve had a few bad nights where I’ve woken up with with shoulder pains due to sleeping in awkward positions (namely hugging little one in the side cot for hours). I feel like an elderly woman at the tender age of forty.

Worrying About My Kids Development

Trying to homeschool my eldest has been a disaster from start to finish. He hates school during normal circumstances, he has a very strong eye prescription which is almost, but not quite, corrected through glasses. However, the thick frames lead to distortions when he doesn’t look straight out the centre, he’s also an incredibly active kid and doesn’t want to focus on things he doesn’t want to focus on (don’t we all). Add a clingy toddler to the mix and it’s been impossible. He usually runs off screaming he can’t do it before we’ve even attempted to look at what ‘it’ is. Or has a meltdown over a word he can’t read (despite having read it before). It’s been really tough to see this and not end up worried that there’s something ‘wrong’. We are bombarded with images and information about so many conditions and challenging behaviours nowadays (and I’m not disputing that they exist) but my mind works overtime and my fears have become even greater with this intense situation. The only way to try and disengage from this has been to ignore all the homeschooling stuff, but then I’m torn with guilt for failing my son and worrying he will be behind his class mates when he returns. The more ‘suport’ the school gives the worse it is – I just don’t have the energy required to homeshool in a way that will work for him with a toddler at home and no partner.

The Clingy Toddler 

I’m not sure I can blame this on lockdown as my littlest has always been mega clingy; as soon as he could crawl after me, he did. But lockdown hasn’t helped and the first weeks were harder than normal. Even now, eight weeks in, if I leave the room to pee or dare to set one foot on the stairs, whatever he was doing, no matter how seemingly engrossed he was, when he hears me move or the stair creak he starts screaming “mama” and comes running for his life. He’s my tail who’s been accidentally dismembered and he’s doing his best to get reattached. It’s exhausting and hard not to worry why he’s like this even in our own home. After our holiday in Egypt where he was attached to me pretty much 24/7 (baby carrier and co-sleeping) I found he was more relaxed at home and started to sleep a little better – I thought all the closeness had helped, so why given all the closeness of the last eight weeks is he still struggling to detach from me physically? Is it his personality? Is it because he’s not really had much other adult influence or contact outside of me and (since last autumn) his nursery carer, or is it because of the trauma around his birth and post birth bonding? He’s the cuddley, cutest little boy alive (not that I’m biased of course) and I adore him snuggling up on my lap when I have the time to do that. But when I’m trying to drain the boiling pasta and he’s dangerously pulling on my leg whilst the eldest screams for a snack even though dinner will be served imminently it’s hard not to lose it.

Tha Claustrophobia

Unsurprisingly having a clingy toddler with you all the time makes things a little claustrophobic at times. In our worst moments I’ve cried as I’ve begged him to just go to sleep. An hour after lights out and I’m still rocking him as he pinches my elbows (his way of self-comforting to sleep) and it’s enough to send even the most patience bonkers and I’m not the most patient. The worst bit is often all I want to do is go and clear away the top layer of crap from downstairs to minimise the mouse infestation. Other times I snap at the eldest as he jumps on me – again – one clawing, pawing human upon me constantly is as much as I can bear.

The Screaming

All the screaming. My eldest. My youngest. Me. My head is so full that when I’m stood there trying to sort something (well usually three things simultaneously) and they are both grabbing and screaming and I’ve been non-stop since first thing and they both want a piece of me and I know all I’ve done all day is for them with no appreciation or recognition, I scream because I don’t even have a second to answer in any other way.  

Being Bombarded With Nuclear Family ‘Images’

Everyone is stuck at home with their partners and kids now. That means lots of photos of ‘happy’ families. I’m a bad one for comparison, but it’s hard when social media flaunts it in your face. I see people homeschooling their kids, playing with their kids and arguing with their partners; on the bad days I wish I was them.

It’s hard to empathise with others parenting challenges when their bad sounds better than our best. I know everyone is challenged currently, but not everyone is failing quite so spectacularly as me. Sometimes I just can’t bare to hear anymore about what others are doing because it sure as shit isn’t screaming at their kids nonstop. How can I not feel bad what impact this is having on my kids?

The Age Gap

There’s 4.5 years between my kids and the youngest isn’t quite two. I’m not sure if the biggest challenge is the age gap meaning there’s not really much they can do together, or just the fact the littlest is too little to engage in any activity and young enough to scream for mummy when I try to do anything with the oldest. It’s lessening a little as time goes on and he adjusts to having to share me more.  But most of the time it means if the eldest tries to do something the youngest destroys it, but it also means vice versa out of annoyance and frustration. My eldest needs focused attention from me which I can’t give him because if I turn my back for a second the youngest has climbed onto the counter and started throwing things onto the floor. It’s a never ending cycle of chaos and carnage and there’s no one to help me. There isn’t usually anyone to help me right enough, but normally we aren’t in the house causing carnage 24/7.

Having No Me Time 

My kids take up my whole day from start to finish. If one is giving me a break for ten minutes, the other certainly isn’t, and it all adds up to no time to myself – even solo toilet trips are out of the question unless my youngest happens to be sleeping. Yes I use the telly but I can’t use it all day or the eldest loses the plot and the youngest isn’t interested in it at all so it never contains them both. If I have an important call to make I have to go to the green behind the house in the hope that they will run around and allow me the space to talk. Sometimes it works, often it doesn’t. Social calls are basically non-existant. My writing time is rare now, sometimes I stay up late after getting them down around 10pm but it means being even more exhuasted the next day so it’s a balance of finding time to myself versus time to sleep.

I could probably count the number of showers I’ve had in lockdown on one hand. Gross, but true. Many single mums of two manage better at me than this but my youngest doesn’t like me being far apart and doesn’t like showers so even when I do manage it, it’s approximately 17 seconds whilst he screams and pulls on the shower curtain.

I got so stressed with my kids after the first few weeks that I spoke to a parenting coach, she had some good advice (lower the expectations) but she also suggested shoving the kids in the bath so I could have ten minutes peace. You guessed it. My youngest climbs straight out if I don’t join too (we usually have family baths) then screams ‘mama’ until he finds me.

The Shopping

The queues to get in. The agro with people trying to jump the queue. The disgust that you brought your kids like you did it for fun (even my life isn’t so shit I consider this fun love). The stress of dragging your kids round with the aim of not touching anything, walking in the correct direction and keeping a suitable distance apart. Then there’s the missing items. The extra long queue for payment as you can’t just load it on whilst the other person pays and you had to queue halfway down the aisle anyway. Oh to return to delivery slots and online shopping, that is what dreams are made of. The market has less stock by far but I receive vouchers to use there so I still make it when I can. Everyone suggests expensive delivery companies like I suddenly won the lottery and starting wanting to eat £40 of fruit and veg a week instead of £10 of cake, chocolate and crisps. This is a lockdown, not diet camp. 

Ongoing Life Admin

There’s still things to sort, admitedly not as many, but I’ve had calls from school, nursery, opticians, dentists and doctors which have all needed dealing with, kids and adults who need brithday presents/ wishes/ videos/ zoom parties and when your head is this full it’s hard to stay on top of it all. And when things go wrong, like someone steals your bike with kiddy bike seat, it takes a herculean effort to sort it on lockdown with limited funds. 

Financial Uncertainty 

I think everyone is feeling this at the moment and I’ve definetly not got it bad in comparison to many. However, I’ve lost income from Airbnb and have no idea when this will return. I’ve been furloughed and whilst I’m super lucky that my work are making it up to 100% of my pay, I’m concerned what will happen in the long run. That level of pay won’t be sustainable long-term for the government or my company. My team were already entering a redundancy process so how many more redundancies will be made now? Our organisation has lost a tonne of money and that’s likely to be the case for a long time to come, and I’ve shown myself to be someone who jumps ship when the going gets tough…. will I be prioritised for redundancies when they inevitably come? Will there be so many it doesn’t matter who did what, we will all be out on our ears? Will the economy be anything like what we once knew it as for years to come? Who knows? These are worries everyone is facing now, many more so, but as always the single parents without (decent) child maintenance, are on their own with only one (potential) salary. We have no idea how long the repercussions of all this will last. My very slim savings pot has become even slimmer as the shares it was invested in have plummeted removing a big chunk of my rainy day fund and it was only meant to last for a day, not months on end. I worry about finances most of the time, let alone in this context.

My Grief is Triggered

In those first few weeks on lockdown I cried many, many tears for my friend who died a year and a half ago. Was it all the talk of death and the emphasis on the fragility of life around us that triggered it? Or the fact that whenever things are going badly in my life the feelings of sadness around his death emerge centre stage again? Sometimes I’m gripped by the overwhelming sadness so much that I wonder if the feelings will ever lessen, ever allow me to remember him with anything but tears. Incessant, lonely tears. I’d do anything for him to be alive today. Yet there’s nothing I can do but grieve. Alone. Who are these people who say grief gets easier with time? It’s easier to lock it away in ‘normal’ times, but I’ve not yet noticed it lessening in intensity when it gets out of the bag.

The Effort to Contain the Anxiety

I’m not talking about the normal anxieties, but those connected to the pandemic and the lockdown. The constant speculation in the press mixed with leaks of possible policy briefs to test public reactions. Will work keep me furloughed as long as the childcare is gone? Will they keep it at 100%? What will happen to my job now I’ve made myself despensible through buggaring off on furlogh? There’s no point wasting my energy on these worries for now, I can’t do anything about any of it, but it takes energy to switch off my brain when I start to hear worrying news on the radio. Having no one to discuss these fears with stops them being challenged or dispelled. It’s a normal state of affairs for single parents, but on lockdown there isn’t even the odd social chat with a friend to help share the burden of concerns and the concerns just got a whole lot bigger.

Knowing The Lonliness Won’t End With Lockdown

Lockdown life is lonely for pretty much everyone I think, even those with partners. What I’m seeing though are lots of people listing wistful things they will do come the end of lockdown. Plans for where they will go and who with. I have no plans. The idea that they might make a ten people social bubble fills me with dread – who would my ten people be? Whilst lockdown is meaning a lot of people are experiencing isolation and are excited to get out of that, many people know it will continue just in a different form after lockdown ends.

The Fear of Returning to ‘Normal’  

As time has gone on I’ve gotten used to being away from people. And being away from people also means being protected from a lot of my anxieties and insecurities. I don’t need to worry what they meant or whether they misunderstood me or if I offended them or whatever else I’m stressing about when I don’t speak to anyone. Will my social anxieties be worse after this break from society?

I’m worried my eldest will be really hard to acclimatise back into school, given we’d only recently stopped having tears at drop off (he’s in year one). He’s been out of school for eight weeks and counting, so this is the longest break he’s ever had. My youngest struggled with the transition to nursery, and struggled again after a three week break over Christmas, again, I’m worried about the tears we will be seeing when he’s back to the childcare setting.

Then there’s the whole commuting, drop offs timings etc. It took a good few months for us to adjust to all that when I started back after maternity leave and I fear it will be a long adjustment period before I can feel like I’ve got us in the rhythm of drop offs and pick ups. There’s also the issue that regardless of how long I do it for come Wednesday at 6pm (which thankfully is my Friday) when I walk through the door, usually with two screaming small people, I am so physcially exhausted I could faint and that’s no exaggeration. The physical and mental toll of rushing here and there and working hard is real. It’s not an adjustment period which I’ll get through, that’s just life for the next few years and I’ll be honest, there’s a part of me that would rather not return to that and would rather be able to stay at home with the kids (although maybe the odd day trip would be nice). 

Hearing that lockdown will be started to lift on Monday hasn’t eased my mind but rather added to the stress. It’s a huge mix of emotions. Our world has got a little smaller recently and that shrinking has benefits. Just as the three of us have gotten used to lockdown life it looks like it will end and I’m not sure we’re ready. 

The Uncertainty 

The uncertainty is a big challenge. Not knowing when schools and nurseries will go back or when work will resume or in what format. So many questions about so many things and all the speculation sending my mind reeling when I accidentally stumble across some ill considered article. Second, third and 24th guessing what’s going to happen next, depending on how the death rate goes, how the R-rate changes and what the political powers deem most important is headache inducing to say the least. There’s so many variables and so many unknowns it’s impossible to have even plans A, B and C because we just haven’t got a clue. The lifting isn’t black and white. The uncertainty around what will be lifted, when creates more swirling questions; questions which utimately I will be on my own to solve. I am the one who will need to ensure the three of us transition to this ‘new’ world, a world which will probably be evolving for some months to come.

Knowing the Online Social Life Will End

This virus isn’t levelling us out socially any more than it is financially or otherwise. Although I’ve not engaged in many Zoom socials (two to be exact) it kind of stings to know this option was there all along but noone was interested in suggesting it when they had the freedom to get out and about as they wished. As a single mum it can feel like people only want to hang out when it suits them, friends are often off limits at the weekend (family time) yet when there were no other options we are a welcome distraction to the otherwise mundane reality of lockdown. But for single mums who are returning to their own mini version of lockdown even once its lifted, will we be remembered? Will yoga homes and the like still offer online versions of their courses when they don’t need to? 

No Accountability in Parenting

Single parenting always lacks having someone who can hold you accountable, but not to this extent. Whilst lacking support is hard as a lone parent, lacking someone to tell you, ‘come on that’s pretty shitty’, or just someone who’s eyes are watching what you do can stop some of your worst thoughts becomming actions and prevent bad habits. In usual life as a single parent even with no partner we have moments of accountability when we are out, with friends or just on the way to school passing others on the street. Locked in constantly is the opposite of this, my parenting went downhill and noone was there to question it, or even see it, so who cares how bad you get? Initially I thought I needed a counsellor but was too exhausted to regurgitate my story and realised actually my issue was parenting in the here and now. I had a one off session with a parenting coach and it helped reclaim that accountability to myself and to my kids, but for a while there the parenting became awful and hearing about other people’s “awful” and feeling like that sounded like acing it was like a second kick in the teeth.  

The Extra Work and Mess

Everyone is feeling this one I’m sure, more meals, more shopping, more mess, more cleaning. It’s impossible to try and keep on top of it all and it’s exhausting just trying.

The Emotions

The overwhelm and teary feelings every so often. Looking round the home seeing a disaster zone. Not knowing where to start then thinking I should do some reading with the eldest or encourage him to write something but unable to muster the energy required to make that happen. Then there’s dinner to sort. The overwhelm is real when you top it off with all the challenges above and the emotions just keep flowing and flowing.

I for one will be glad when things get back to ‘normal’ but I’m scared what steps we will need to go through before we reach that point and how long it might take.

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