As a single mum I often feel pushed to the extreme. In terms of parenting, coping alone in life, the money in my bank, and my physical, and mental, health. I’m not unique. Most people think single parenting is tough, although, few who haven’t experienced it quite grasp the emotional strain it involves. Many assume it’s double the pressure of coupled parenting. This misses the invisible workload single parenting adds on. Like the extra work to make up for the lower income and foregoing time saving luxuries like cars, taxis, cleaners, take outs etc, and dealing with the fallout of having less hands and eyes – be that more trips to A & E or the food dropped on the floor being trodden round the entire house before you have time to clean it up.
So, given all the additional pressure on our time and our bank balances, how do we fare as parents?
One recent piece of research shows that kids in single parent families are doing no worse than those in couples. Another piece of new research shows the only difference between single and coupled families are down to income differentials. In other words, in terms of parenting we are doing a pretty good job.
Sounds reasonable, right? Until you think about what this really means.
It means single parents are literally doing the work of two parents just as well as two would. In any other career, if we found one person achieving the same outcomes as two people doing that very same job, there’d be studies and tests of how to replicate these amazing super humans but academia, governments and the media are silent about the strengths of single parents.
So, I’ve done their work for them and dug a little deeper into how the hell do we do this.
First up, let me give this post a huge caveat. Single parents are not an homogenous group. We live in cities, villages and on boats. We have wads of cash, and none. We are loud and quiet. We are working outside, the home and not. We are sporty, and artsy, and everything inbetween. We co-parent, and we do it solo 24/7 – 365. We have been single parents from day one, and we have joined the ranks when our children are nearly grown. We chose this life, and we were thrown into it unwillingly. For these reasons, and many more besides, not all single parents will recognise themselves in this. Despite these differences, there are many amazing approaches we take to achieve these phenomenal outcomes for our children. This is my attempt to shine a light on that so people can listen and learn. This is not my attempt to overgeneralise or ignore our diversity. It also isn’t a dissing of two parent families. If it feels like that then sorry (although you now have a very small insight into how it feels as a single mum reading the mainstream/ social media day in, day out).
I attempted to find out how we parented by asking single parent friends and followers if, and how, they parent differently because of their single status. My overriding conclusion: being pushed to the end of all the extremes can – and DOES – bring out some of the best parenting around.
1. Focus on what matters most. Speaking with single parents it quickly becomes clear that we focus on love, love, and more love when raising our little ones. Is it because we know how much it can hurt to live without it? Perhaps. Is it because as humans, we have so much love to give and our kids are the main recipients? Probably. Is it because of some mothering muscle miricle that we know what matters most to children. Certainly.
No single parents talked about not having time to show love. We all talked about dropping the ball on other things – like the home – but not the love, and that’s what counts.
2. Build deep bonds. A combination of this immense love, paired with the intensity of parenting alone, results in deep bonds with our children.
When there’s no other adult taking up physcial space, there’s a greater closeness between you and your children. As challenging as this can be at 2am, it helps create the strong attachments we often see reflected back to us in later years when adults, who were raised by single parents, talk about their own parent with love, warmth and pride.
For many of us, raising our babies solo from the early days means attachment parenting becomes the norm, not necessarily through conscious choice, but because of being the sole provider of comfort and attachment for your child. Anecedotally speaking, this seems to increase the likelihood of co-sleeping and for those who breastfeed it seems that most do so well beyond the UK average.
3. Embrace emotions. Almost without fail, single parents talked about losing their patience with their children more than they felt they would have done if/ when they had a partner. The feelings of guilt this engenders, helps create a self-awareness that means we appreciate the importance of explaining emotions and apologising to our children. Thus directly modelling positive conflict resolution and responsibility for our (less than ideal) actions.
Without someone to talk to about our day, it’s common for us to share details with our children, like hat made us happy or sad. These experiences help to develop resilience and empathy, which in turn help to create happy and kind human beings. What more can a parent hope for? And all this because we get exhausted and cry some.
4. Make empowered parenting decisions. Almost all parents found the weight of decision making as a solo parent heavy at times, but it seems we also love the control we have within our own little queen- and kingdoms. We don’t have to discuss things with someone else, instead we make our decision and go for it. Parents doing their thing happily and confidently can be hugely positive.
5. Take a hands off approach. Many single parents talked about backing off on the actual parenting and the benefits are impressive. Our children tend to have independece in bucket loads. Independence which not only means they can help with the smooth(ish) running of the home, but also independence which helps them at school and no doubt will stand them in good stead for the responsibilities that acommpany adulthood.
This approach also helps with our children’s creativity. Our kids tend not to be entertained every minute of the day. Fending for themselves and having extended moments of boredom while mum or dad tries to do work/ housework/ banking admin/ deal with the baby etc, is all part of growing those problem solving skills. All parents know this, we are told about it over and over, but for single parents it’s often second nature because there’s no other way to parent when you’re doing it solo.
6. Integrate everything. Finding balance is hard as a parent at the best of times, let alone when there isn’t someone standing on the other side of the scales. Instead, we integrate. We integrate the work and kids (one single mum friend I know reguaraly takes her four year old to training event’s she runs). Personally speaking, I integrate my kids into my social life, my baths and my bed. If I didn’t I’d be friendless, stinky and exhausted (OK, well more exhausted). Integration creates a crazy, cocophony of love, arguments and fun, with very little separation between us and our children, but it’s often the only way to get things done and it can lead to many a learning opportunity for the child.
7. Don’t put the kids centre stage. Building on the integration theme, many single mums socialise and attend events with their children in tow in a way coupled parents won’t. Now, don’t get me wrong, socialising/ attending an event etc, without children may well be more fun/ relaxing/ easier, so of course if you have the option for the kids to stay home with a partner why not take it. Why not indeed?
Well, actually by dragging the kids along to such events it turns out they gain too. They quickly learn the world doesn’t centre around them and learn to appreciate that decisions regarding how to spend time as a family need to consider that everyone gets to do something they want at some point (so yes, it also means mum goes to the park on a freezing cold day too). Like so many of these elements in single parenting homes this helps to develop grit and resilience – characteristics all children can benefit from. What’s more, it helps develop our children’s empathy and group decision-making skills, while giving them exposure to things many children don’t experience, like how to operate in adult environments and mix with children of diverse ages.
8. One family: one team. The toughest parts of single parenting stem from the fact that there’s no team member to parent with (although of course some good co-parenting couples do achieve this). Yet with no parenting team, comes instead the contept of just ONE team. A family team.
Me and the kids discuss things together in a way that I don’t suppose I’d do if I had a partner to talk it over with. This means the kids are involved in everything. They have responsibilities because they are a part of ensuring our team runs effectively. It’s good for their self-worth and personal development as well as helping to take the burden off over-stretched single parents. Everyone’s a winner.
9. Real world exposure. Life can be tough for single parents. Money is generally tighter and accidents more common. This all means my sons both get dragged to A & E when something goes wrong, and the eldest understand about money and prioritising our weekly spending. In part because I need him to (I leave the 19 month out of it for now) and in part because I don’t have anyone else to understand. He respects our reality and learns from it – gaining an insight into the more challenging aspects of adulthood.
I this often in single parent homes, our children are seeped in environments full of grit and determination, because this is what is necessary to raise children solo in our society. Our children absorb these qualities every step of the way as we fight for what we need to. Some fights aren’t connected to single parenting, like when I involved my MP to get my son’s eye appointment waiting time halved. But much of it is about being a single parent – like unfair tax credit cuts, under payments from universal credits or simply nothing in the case of the CMS. Our children absorb what’s happening around them giving them an insight into how society treats those who are more vulnerable in their hour of need; developing their empathy, and teaching them how to keep strong in the face of adversity.
10. Defy gender norms. Single parents do the DIY and the cooking. The heavy lifting and the cleaning. The mending of bikes and the breastfeeding. We show our children there’s no role just for men or just for women (well OK, apart from the breastfeeding one). This teaches many children that they can be caring and wild; their gender does not define their role in life.
11. Grab every opportunity. Doing everything solo means being more stretched and having less freedom. The upside is, we grab every opportunity that comes our way, appreciating it for what it is.
I sneak both my boys and me in for a free swim before my eldest son has his weekly swim class while other parents sit on the side line and lament that they don’t have time to go swimming (despite having a partner). I get out of the water with enough time to have a long shower and enjoy every drop of the (free) hot water, despite the changing rooms stench of piss. I write blog posts in the time that my toddler can entertain himself and sew clothes and cushion covers in the 10 minute snatches I can carve out.
I’m not unique. I see single parents grabbing the chance to do things day in day out. Be that taking a course despite being exhausted and ill because they see it as a chance to improve their lives, or just grabbing some time to have a coffee with a friend between work appointments while their child is in school. Ironically, by grabbing this time and appreciating it for what it’s worth, we can achieve more than we ever thought possible.
12. Live in the moment. This seems especially true for those who co-parent. Knowing a break is on the horizon allows many single parents to give their all and then some on the days they are with their child. I have close friends who co-parent their child and I have no doubt that their child benefits from their set up immensely.
Single parents often push themselves to be there for their children because they know they will miss them on their days at the other parents home. The housework and the rest can wait until the children are away. It means less downtime for the parent on duty, but any single parent guilt is assurged by giving our all.
How can I become a single mum?
If reading this has made you want to sign up for single parenting, don’t fear, everyone is only one divorce/ one night stand/ fertility treatment away from being a single parent. We aren’t made from different moulds to the rest of you. Single parenting is just as exhausting and hard as you might imagine (if not more so). It’s just that single parenting moulds us into the superhumans we become. It’s all these reasons – and more – why time and time again, single parents produce amazing kids who turn out to be amazing, creative and empathetic adults, from Adele to Obama.
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